The computer troubles of woman
To:
Technical Support. Subject: Software Problems.
Dear Mr. Gates!
I am writing to You about my computer problems, because my father always told me to go
directly to the top chief to get the best answers at once. (NB: If you are looking for a
better hairstylist just give me a call..)
All my problems began on that fatal day when I decided to install "Husband 1.0"
instead of "Boyfriend 24.0". And it didn’t take long at all. Because
already the first night when I tried to boot "Husband 1.0" I only got a lot of
error messages like: "Cannot find requested item", "System busy with other
activity" and "System shotdown imminent - cannot apply with wanted action".
The disappointment of that night is something that I will never forget - and neither will
the neighbours, I suspect.. Honestly, it is all very frustrating, because I have never had
that kind of software failures with any of my editions of "Boyfriend", even
though I might add that the first five or six editions of "Boyfriends" seemed to
work a lot smoother and quicker than the later editions and that is the main reason why I
at last decided to upgrate to "Husband 1.0". So I really had hoped for something
better when I decided to buy Your program "Husband 1.0", and not this
mumbo-jumbo stuff that seems to work quite erradic or even in a kind of moody manner most
of the time. Of course I have tried to fix the problems myself because I am not the kind
of girl that give up so easily. My first try was to uninstall "Husband 1.0", but
that attempt stumbled on error messages such as: "BIOS damage probable if further
action" and "Contact hardware support before execution of required task".
When I called my supportline I learned that this program was a "system modifying
program" (whatever that means?) and in order to delete it I would have to formate
everything on the harddisk and start up from scratch. They even wouldn’t guarantee
the function of the motherboard after such an action and warned me that the whole affair
might end up costing me quite a lot. So after that experience I decided to try and live
with the faulty "Husband 1.0" and instead went out to find supplemental software
that might remedy some of the problems.. In a very cosy store I stumbled over an
interesting program that even came in a very handsome package. It was named "Affair
1.0" - and I don’t think it was from Your company.. It worked like a dream from
the start and booted directly without any failures at all every time I wanted it to. And
it even had a lot of extras that really made me a most satisfied customer. Encouraged by
this possitive experience I went on and bought a laptop in an other cosy computer-store
and on that I installed an other attractive program called "Hunk 2.0". Even that
worked quite satisfying for a while, but then some of my girlfriends told me that it was a
very stupid program and eventually it all went down the drain when I was stupid enough to
install "Hunk 2.0" together with "Husband 1.0" on my homecomputer..
These programs simply didn’t seem to be compatible and both refused to work after
that. I really would have liked both programs to work alternatively at my choice, but that
was an option that these programs unfortunately didn’t come with. I’m now
working with a shareware program called "Giggolo 1.1" and I keep it strictly on
my laptop. It works quite well on voice-commands which is a practical feature that I have
come to worship and it really gets the work done alright, but despite that it doesn’t
always satisfy all my needs and it is also a somewhat primitive program when it comes to
layout and even has a rather stereotypical user-interface..
So, what do I do Mr Gates?? Do I go back to "Boyfriend 24.0 (or 23.0)" as all my
friends urge me to do, and is that feasible at all, or should I invest in Your more
advanced program called "Old Millionaire 1.0" as my mother so gently suggested
over dinner the other evening? Please help me with Your wise and talented advice..
Love - The frustated computergirl
Dear Mrs. Husband 1.0 -[l]user ;-)!!
Wellcome to the wonderfull cyperspace. Isn’t it grand!! It’s the best thing that
ever happened to me, anyway.. But now to Your problems with "Husband 1.0". This
is a most priceworthy product that I can highly recommend to every girl who can
afford it. But never - I repeat: "never" - try to use it without reading the
included manual from page 1 to page 1099, because without doing that it is bound to fail.
"Husband 1.0" is a most complex program that more or less takes full control of
all the vital functions in Your computer and starts to run everything according to a kind
of "I do it my way - and everybody else will from now on be informed on a need to
know basis only"- way.. Much like the american dream, actually, and that is after all
what gave us the wonderfull cyberworld we live in now. Am I right or am I right!! What You
also have to understand is that "Husband 1.0" was built on the skeleton of
"Boyfriend" which in its turn was built on the skeleton of ”Brad” and
so on and so forth. That’s the way thing are done these days.. Because of this fact
some deviations from the expected might surface now and then if You happen to press a
wrong key or maybe slip on a key and enter an unusual combination. That kind of mistakes
could activate parts of the older imbedded programs, most often the somewhat rebellious
"Brad 1.0". But it might even go as far back as to "First baby boy
1.0" and that might give You some very nasty and unexpected results and a lot of
error messages....
But as long as You read the manual throughout and treat the precious "Husband
1.0" software with "tender loving care" I can promise You that everything
will run as smoothly as molasses down the throat of an old poisonoaker. I really do
promise You that! [But I did not guarantee it.. Mark the difference!]
And never - I repeat: "never" - try to run our excellent software together with
some rogue "good for nothing programs" as e.g. "Hunk 1.0" or
"Giggolo 1.1" !! That is simply bound to end up bad. Real bad.. Might even crash
Your system and cost You a lot of greenbacks!! Better do the right thing and stick with us
and go where we are going - today and to-morrow.
We love You and we are here to take care of all Your problems! [that was also a promise
and not a guarantee!]
Your obedient servant forever
Mr. Gates.
(PS: I like my hair as it is, but could I have your e-mail address anyway??) |