The Cable Guy

by Judd Apatow

Based on a Screenplay by

Lou Holtz Jr.

Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)

Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)

Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)

1 FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISE

Credits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can make out thefaint image of a television program. Every few moments the channel changes, revealing a new ghostly image.

The camera pulls back very slowly. We reveal that this image is coming from a twenty seven inch television.

The camera pulls back some more and we see a man's hand enter frame holding a remote

control. The hand changes channels frantically.

The camera pulls back into its final position and we see STEVEN BARTOWSKY, thirty

years old, sitting on his couch. He is trying to find a channel with viewable reception.

Unfortunately for him – his cable is not hooked up.

STEVE

(looks at watch)

Jesus, where's the cable guy already?

END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE

1A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

It is a stylish old apartment. There are half unpacked boxes strewn about the floor. Steven has just moved in. The phone rings.

STEVEN

(into the phone)

Hello.

2 NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

We see Steven's best friend RICK standing in the middle of a busy newsroom. He is a rough looking, cynical local news cameraman. In the background, hanging from the ceiling is a television set.

ON THE TV - An anchorman sits at his desk fixing his hair as he waits to go on the air. A graphic on the screen says "Sam Sweet Trial Update."

RICK

How's the move going?

3 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Steven unpacks as they speak. The phone call intercuts between the two locations.

STEVEN

Horrible. The cable guy is missing in

action. Apparently he's going to be here

sometime between eight AM and my death.

RICK

You haven't called Robin have you?

Please tell me you didn't call her.

STEVEN

(sarcastically)

No, I'm giving her space.

(beat)

I can't believe she's doing this.

RICK

You never should have asked her to marry

you. You're the mad smotherer.

STEVEN

All she had to do was say no. She didn't

have to kick me out. I feel like Felix

Unger.

RICK

You forced her to evaluate the

relationship. If you didn't propose she

would never have realized how unhappy she

was.

STEVE

I don't want to talk about it.

So what time are you going to come by?

RICK

I can't. I'm working double shifts the

rest of the week.

STEVEN

It's my first night here. Don't do this

to me.

RICK

The other camera guy pulled out his back.

Besides, I spent the last two weeks with

you on my couch. Isn't that enough?

STEVEN

Fine, fine.

RICK

One piece of advice. Slip the cable guy

fifty bucks, he'll give you all the movie

channels for free. Even the dirty ones.

STEVEN

I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff.

What if he says no? I'll feel like an

idiot.

RICK

None of them say no, believe me. I'll

talk to you later.

Steven hangs up, and waits.

DISSOLVE TO:

4 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Steven continues unpacking. He is very neat. He opens a box and finds a pictures of him with his ex-girlfriend. He looks at one sadly, considering whether or not to put it on display. He puts it back in the box.

4A EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Establishing shot of a renovated apartment building built in the nineteen twenties. A moving truck pulls into a gated side garage.

5 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Movers deliver a small breakfast table and chairs. Steven directs them as to where to put them.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 3:52 P.M.

6 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven puts a few feet of tin foil on his antenna to help the reception. He changes channels. Still nothing. He pulls it off frustrated.

7 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Many of the boxes are gone. Steven lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, fidgeting. He is unable to fill his day without cable.

STEVEN

Where the hell is he?

8 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven paces back and forth across the room. He stares at his watch frequently.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 5:12 P.M.

9 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven slowly eats a sandwich in his empty kitchen. He looks at the clock. It says five-thirty. He picks up the phone and dials. A machine picks up.

ROBIN (VO)

Hi, this is Robin. Leave a message. If

you are trying to reach Steven he can now

be reached at 555-3837.

Steven hangs up.

10 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SUNSET

Steven does sit ups. He looks at the clock.

CLOSE UP OF THE CLOCK - 6:48 P.M.

STEVEN

(to himself)

Forget it. Idiots.

He gets up, and walks into the bathroom.

11 INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Steven gets undressed. He turns on the shower, adjusts the heat, then gets in. He tries to lose his tension by letting the hot water engulf him. He takes some shampoo, and lathers up his hair.

THE DOORBELL RINGS

STEVEN

(annoyed)

Oh great.

THE DOORBELL RINGS SEVERAL TIMES

Steven jumps out of the shower, soaking wet, throws on a bathrobe and runs to the door.

STEVEN

Don't leave! I'm here! I'm here!

12 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs to the door.

CABLE GUY (OS)

Hello! Cable Guy!

Steven reaches the door, and looks through the peep-hole.

P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE

The CABLE GUY is walking away.

INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY

Steven opens the door and yells to the Cable Guy.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

STEVEN

Hey, wait!

The Cable Guy turns back.

CABLE GUY

Well, look who decided to show up. I was

just gonna go collect my retirement

pension.

The Cable Guy wears a clean white jump suit, and is extremely confident despite the fact that he speaks with a slight lisp. This lisp gives him a child-like quality.

STEVEN

You were supposed to be here four hours

ago.

CABLE GUY

Was I? So I'm the tardy one. Good to

know.

STEVEN

Yes. I had to go to the Bed 'n Bath

place, but now it's closed.

CABLE GUY

(turns to leave)

Maybe I shouldn't have come at all – jerk

off!

(turns back smiling)

I'm just joking. Let's do this.

(looks around)

Oh, the old McNair place. I never thought

they'd get the floors clean after what

happened here.

STEVEN

What happened?

CABLE GUY

(long beat)

They had a lot of cats.

They walk into Steven's living room.

CABLE GUY

Hey, this could be a cool pad. Here is a

comment card.

He pulls out a card, and hands it to Steven without turning back to look at him.

CABLE GUY

Please mail it in when I am done.

STEVEN

These go to your boss?

CABLE GUY

No, they go to me. I'm a

perfectioniss… perfectioniss…

(he strains to lose his lisp)

perfectioniss…t.

Now let's take a look at what we're

dealing with.

The Cable Guy walks around the room with his hands out, sensing the space.

CABLE GUY

Come on baby. Come on baby. Talk to me

baby. Tell me where you like it. That's

it baby.

He zones in on one wall. He fells the wall in a sensuous manner.

CABLE GUY

Here's your sweet spot.

He pulls out his drill, and begins drilling.

CABLE GUY

So your lady kicked you out.

STEVEN

What?

CABLE GUY

In preparing your service I noticed you

were previously wired across town at 1268

and a half Chestnut. Last week the

billing was transferred to one Robin

Harris. Smells like heartbreak to me.

STEVEN

I really don't want to talk about it with

you. Could you please just install my

cable? I'm going to get dressed.

CABLE GUY

No sweat.

Steven walks away, into the hallway. A moment later the Cable Guy runs to him.

CABLE GUY

Hey, I'm going to go to the hallway so I

can access the floorboards. Don't be

spooked if you hear someone crawling

underneath you.

STEVEN

Okay, whatever.

Steven walks toward his bedroom.

CABLE GUY

Put on your bathing suit 'cause you'll be

channel surfing in no time.

The Cable Guy pulls the trigger on his drill twice to punctuate his joke.

13 INT. - STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

CLOSE UP - THE TELEVISION

RIKKI KLIEMAN from COURT TV broadcasts from their studio.

RIKKI KLIEMAN

(to camera)

So ends day fifty-four of the trial of

former child star Sam Sweet who has been

accused of shooting his twin brother,

Stan, in cold blood. The twins were

stars of the hit sitcom "Double Trouble"

which aired from nineteen seventy-seven

till nineteen eighty-four.

A video package rolls in - We see several photographs of Sam Sweet and his twin brother at various ages. Included is the cast photo of "Double Trouble." Pictured in the photo are eight-year-old Stan and Sam and Conrad Janis as their single dad.

We see a brief clip from "Double Trouble," starring the two eight-year-old boys, then a shot of Sam Sweet being taken out of a police car in handcuffs.

RIKKI KLIEMAN

(to camera)

Life wasn't so sweet after the cancellation

of their program. Hollywood chewed them

up and spit them out. A frustrated Sam

turned to petty larceny, while his more

impressionable brother, Stan, fell in

with a fringe cult called "The

Brotherhood of Friends." Reduced to

tabloid fodder a fury was growing inside

of Sam. A burning need to be recognized

as an individual, not a person famous for

having an identical twin. A need that

took the form of four shotgun blasts on

the night of November fourteenth. And so

today his attorneys continue the unusual

defense of "Twin Envy."

ANGLE ON

Steven re-enters the room. The Cable Guy is watching television.

STEVEN

How's it going?

The Cable Guy holds up one finger as if to say "quiet." His eyes never leave the TV.

CABLE GUY

Guilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. I

hope they fry this bastard.

Steven sees that the Cable Guy has completely redecorated the room in a fashion which makes the room impractical for anything other than watching television. The TV is now on the stairs blocking the entrance into the living room. All furniture faces the TV, making conversation impossible.

STEVEN

(looks around)

What happened?

CABLE GUY

(jumps to his feet)

The arrangement of your major appliances

and your furniture was causing some noisy

pics and hum bars in your reception. I

moved a few things. Cleared it right up.

Is that cool?

STEVEN

(non-confrontational)

I… guess so.

CABLE GUY

You programmed?

(off of Steven's look)

Then let me slave your remotes.

He picks up Steven's remotes, punches in a complicated series of commands, then points them at each other. As he holds them together he makes a face as if their power is surging through him.

CABLE GUY

Ooh, maybe we should leave these two

alone.

STEVEN

So after this I'll only need one remote

for everything?

CABLE GUY

You know you're pretty good at this. You

could be a cable guy yourself.

(he finishes)

Now let me check your levels.

With amazing alacrity he adjusts color setting, sound controls, closed captioned, etc. Then he clicks through the channels. A music video, documentary on Hitler, Oprah Winfrey Show, starving kids, Barney, court TV. The Cable Guy watches emotionless.

CABLE GUY

All right. That about does it. I just

have some paperwork for you to fill out.

Sign here.

Steven does.

CABLE GUY

That gave me power of attorney over you.

(beat)

Joking.

Steven laughs. The Cable Guy joins him, but then continues to laugh way too hard for way too long. As the laugh ends it quickly turns into an awkward moment. The Cable Guy does not want to leave.

CABLE GUY

I'm about finished here.

(beat)

Okay. I feel good about this.

Cable Guy walks to the door.

STEVEN

One thing.

CABLE GUY

(turns back immediately)

Yeah!

STEVEN

I… uh… I have this friend and he said

he gave his cable guy fifty bucks and he

got free movie channels. Have you ever

heard of anything like that?

CABLE GUY

(deadly serious)

You mean illegal cable?

STEVEN

Uh… yes.

CABLE GUY

Who told you that? I want his name.

STEVEN

Forget it.

CABLE GUY

You're offering me a bribe? What you

have just done is illegal, and in this

state if convicted, you could be fined

five-thousand dollars or spend six months

in a correctional facility.

STEVEN

Please… that was dumb. I was just

making conversation –

CABLE GUY

(laughs)

I'm just jerking your chain. Wake up

little snoozy. I'll juice you up. All

it is is a push of a button.

He puts his arm around Steven and walks him toward the front door.

STEVEN

Oh, great. How much?

CABLE GUY

Don't worry about it. I couldn't charge

you. Your girl just booted you.

Consider it one guy doing another guy a

solid.

STEVEN

That is so nice.

CABLE GUY

Hey, you're a 'nice' guy. You'd be

surprised how many customers treat you

like shit, like I'm a god damn plumber or

something.

(hands him a card)

Here is my personal beeper number. It's

just for my preferred customers. Never

call the company, they'll just put you on

hold.

STEVEN

Thanks. Really.

(holds up comment card - jokes)

You're gonna get some good marks here.

CABLE GUY

Maybe some day I'll take you out to the

satellite and show you how all this stuff

works. It's really incredible.

STEVEN

Sure. We should do that one day.

CABLE GUY

How 'bout tomorrow?

STEVEN

Tomorrow? Tomorrow's not good.

CABLE GUY

What are you going to do, sit home and

stew about your ex?

STEVEN

No.

CABLE GUY

(insulted)

Oh, okay. I guess I crossed the line.

Sorry.

STEVEN

(guilty)

You didn't cross the line.

CABLE GUY

No? Cool. I'll pick you up at six-thirty.

On the flip side.

The Cable Guy leaves before Steven can reconsider. Steven cannot believe he just got roped into that.

(End Revision - Pink)

14 INT. CITYWIDE LAND DEVELOPERS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Steven is in the middle of a presentation to his co-workers. His boss, HAL DANIELS, looks impressed.

Steven pulls a sheet off of an architect's model of a condominium complex.

STEVEN

…There are twenty-four classrooms; each

can be converted into a 1400 square foot

home. The facility has two tennis courts,

an Olympic size pool and full gym, with a

stage if the residents decide they want

to perform "Oklahoma."

Everyone laughs. Steven is very good at his job.

STEVEN

The kitsch appeal of living in an old

schoolhouse should be very attractive to

young, upwardly mobile home buyers. And

most important, the structure is

available in foreclosure. If we put down

a cash bid, we're going to steal this

thing.

There is a pause, then everyone applauds. Mr. Daniels walks over to Steven and puts a proud arm around him. They speak as the meeting breaks up.

MR. DANIELS

Great work Steve-o. So you're feeling

good?

STEVE

Yeah.

MR. DANIELS

Did I hear something about you having

some troubles at home?

STEVE

Robin and I have been having a difficult

time. I moved out, but I really think

it's only temporary.

MR. DANIELS

Gotcha. I love this project, but it's a

big mother. Know what I mean? If it

fails, corporate's going to have my ass.

I've got confidence in you, but you hear

where I'm coming from, bro?

STEVEN

Absolutely. Now I've got more time than

ever. It's a good thing.

(laughs)

I know I can pull this thing off.

MR. DANIELS

(playfully)

Then what are you doing talking to me?

You've got a lot of work to do. Get to

it!

STEVEN

Thank you. I will.

Hal goes down the stairs to his office. Steven watches him disappear, then turns to his secretary, JOAN.

STEVEN

I'll be right back.

14A INT. SASSY MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAY

Steven walks through the halls looking for Robin's office.

15 OMITTED

16 INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE AT SASSY MAGAZINE - DAY

ROBIN HARRIS, an attractive woman in her late twenties, sits at her desk at "Sassy Magazine." Her office is fairly nice, but she is definitely not at the upper level of the company yet. There are papers spread all over her desk. On her walls are pictures from the magazine, and articles she has written.

Steven peeks his head in her door.

STEVEN

Hello.

Robin's face drops.

ROBIN

Steven, what are you doing here?

STEVEN

I was just in the area. Thought I'd pop

by. How's work? How'd the big teen crush

article come out?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

ROBIN

They liked it.

(beat)

I thought we agreed we weren't going to

see each other for a month.

STEVEN

I know, it's just Daniels accepted my

proposal to renovate the old schoolhouse.

ROBIN

That's wonderful, congratulations.

STEVEN

I know I'm breaking the rules, but come

have dinner with me tonight to celebrate.

ROBIN

I don't think we should.

STEVEN

Come on, this is the biggest day of my

career.

ROBIN

Don't put me in this position.

STEVEN

What position? I want to share this with

you.

ROBIN

(feeling pressured)

I love you, but I need to take some time

on my own to see how I feel. You agreed

to this. I mean… this is exactly why we

broke up, because you never listen to me.

STEVE

What? Now we're broken up? What

happened to 'trial separation?'

ROBIN

I can't get into this now. If you haven't

noticed, I'm at work.

STEVE

Sorry to disturb you.

He turns to leave.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

ROBIN

(sincerely)

Steven. Congratulations. I know how

much this means to you. You deserve it.

STEVEN

Thanks.

He leaves.

17 OMITTED

17A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SIX-THIRTY P.M.

Steven is watching television. He looks lonely and depressed. He clicks around in a daze, never stopping for more than a second.

He hears a horn honking outside.

CABLE GUY (OS)

Steven!!!! Stev-ey!!!! Let's go!!!!

ON THE TV - A commercial for Medieval Times Restaurant.

Steven walks over to the window and sees The Cable Guy standing in front of his van, leaning in his window honking the horn.

CABLE GUY

Steven!!!!

(waves)

Hey buddy!!! Come on down!!!

Steven waves and then steps back from the window. He doesn't know what to do. He looks at the television.

ON THE TV - The local news.

REPORTER

Coming up next a special report,

"Loneliness, America's Silent Killer."

Steven looks back out the window and sees the Cable Guy smiling and waving for him to come down.

STEVEN

(begins walking to the door)

What the hell.

18 EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK

Steven walks from his apartment to the customized van. On the side of the white van it says, "The Cable Company - Get Wired Today."

STEVEN

How's it going?

CABLE GUY

Howdy partner. Climb aboard.

Steven gets in.

19 INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

The van drives onto the main boulevard.

CABLE GUY

Thanks for coming out. You know most

people think cable is just a simple co-ax

that comes out of the wall. They never

take the time to understand how it works.

STEVEN

Where exactly are we goin?

CABLE GUY

We're going to take a ride on the

information superhighway.

20 EXT. CITY - DUSK

Birds eye P.O.V., shot follows the Cable Guy's van as it drives through the city.

CABLE GUY

…It all started in Lansford,

Pennsylvania where Panther Valley

Television, with the assistance of Jerrod

Electronics, created the first cable

television system.

The van drives up into the hills, finally revealing a huge satellite dish on top of a small mountain, overlooking the entire city.

CABLE GUY

I went to Lansford once. It's the Cable

Guy's Mecca. It was very emotional.

21 EXT. WOODED AREA - DUSK

Steven and the Cable Guy get out of the van, and walk down a trail.

CABLE GUY

I come here to think sometimes. To clear

my head.

They turn a corner and the satellite dish is right in front of them. It is enormous. Next to it is a one-hundred and fifty foot antenna. Next to that is a small fenced-in shack where the satellite's controls are located.

CABLE GUY

There she is. Right now she's sending

entertainment and information to millions

of satisfied citizens.

STEVEN

That's pretty impressive.

CABLE GUY

See, I knew the moment I met you that

you would appreciate this.

The Cable Guy runs to the dish. A few seconds later he appears inside of it.

CABLE GUY

(with wonder)

The future is now. Soon every American

home will integrate their television,

phone, and computer. You'll be able to

visit the Louvre on one channel, and

watch female mud wrestling on

another. You can do your shopping at

home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend

in Vietnam. There's no end to the

possibilities.

(waves to Steven)

Come on up! What are you waiting for?!

22 INT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Steven are lying in the middle of the dish, looking up at the night sky.

CABLE GUY

Sometimes I'll sit here and imagine that

there are billions of bits of information

surging through me.

STEVEN

I've watched a lot of TV in my life. I

guess I've always taken it for granted.

CABLE GUY

When I was a kid my mom worked nights.

Never met dad. But the old TV was always

there for me.

STEVEN

I know what you mean. My dad was there,

but he might as well have been gone. My

mom is a stewardess. She was always out

of town.

CABLE GUY

(moved)

That's tough. You must have a lot of

abandonment issues. Reality isn't "Father

Knows Best," it's a kick in the face on

Saturday night. But what doesn't kill us

makes us stronger, right?

STEVEN

(tentative)

You know my brother's a speech therapist.

The Cable Guy sits up. He looks angry.

CABLE GUY

So?

There is a long silence. Steven doesn't know how to react.

STEVEN

Never mind.

The Cable Guy sits back down and pretends Steven never mentioned it.

CABLE GUY

(beat)

So, you're pretty love struck about your

lady, huh?

STEVEN

I miss her. I asked her to marry me, and

she asked me to move out.

CABLE GUY

I hate that.

STEVEN

She said she felt pressured. Can you

believe that?

CABLE GUY

Women are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? I

don't think you listen to her. I think

you try to tell her what she wants to

hear. She wants you to thirst for

knowledge about who she is. All the

complicated splendor that is woman. When

your love is truly giving, it will come

back to you ten-fold.

STEVEN

You're right. That is remarkably

insightful.

CABLE GUY

Yeah, it was Jerry Springer's final

thought on Friday's show.

23 EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

The van pulls up in front of Steven's apartment building.

CABLE GUY

You know what? Women are suckers for

"Sleepless in Seattle." It's on HBO this

month. That's your bait right there.

STEVEN

Robin loves that movie.

CABLE GUY

They all do. Next time you talk to her

tell her you're cooking yourself dinner,

and watching it by yourself. Sound like

you're happier than a pig in shit.

She'll come running. Betcha. Then just

play it cool.

STEVEN

Maybe I will.

Steven gets out of the car.

STEVEN

Thanks a lot. I'm embarrassed to say

this, but I don't know your name. What

is it?

CABLE GUY

(touched)

You really want to know my name? You do?

Really? It's Ernie Douglas. But my

friends call me Chip.

STEVEN

I'll see ya' Chip.

Before he can exit the van, the Cable Guy is staring him in the eyes.

CABLE GUY

Let's just remember right now. You know

some people walk through their entire

lives and never find a true friend.

(long pause)

I guess we're the lucky ones.

(End Revised - Pink)

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - The Cable Guy is in slow motion. He blinks once.

STEVEN

Uh… good-bye.

CABLE GUY

Later buddy. I'll catch ya' on the

flip side.

Steven exits the van feeling a little uncomfortable.

24 INT. COFFEEHOUSE - NEXT DAY

Steven and Robin are talking. Robin does not look happy to see him.

STEVEN

I don't listen to you. I pretend to

understand but I'm really just saying

what I think you want to hear. So from

now on I'm going to try my best to listen

more because I do love you and am

interested in learning about every detail

about the complicated splendor that is

you.

Robin looks at him, somewhat shocked.

ROBIN

Oh.

STEVEN

I want us to get back together, but I can

see why taking this time might be good

for us. So, I'm not mad.

After a long beat, Robin smiles.

ROBIN

Sometimes time apart is healthy.

STEVEN

You're right. Well, that's what I came

here to say. Look, I've got to get back

to the office.

He starts getting up.

ROBIN

So, are you doing anything tomorrow?

STEVEN

I'm just going to cook myself dinner and

watch a movie. "Sleepless in Seattle" is

on cable.

ROBIN

Really?

STEVEN

If you're around you should drop by and

check out the new apartment.

ROBIN

Okay, maybe I will.

He exits the room. As he does we see a television broadcasting the Sweet case.

ON MTV - Sam Sweet sits behind the defendant's table. TABITHA SOREN is giving the news update.

TABITHA SOREN

Today in the Sam Sweet case the

prosecution played the 911 call that Sam

Sweet made the night he murdered his

brother. Keep in mind, he confessed one

month later.

The courtroom listens to a 911 phone call. The transcription is seen on the screen.

SAM SWEET V ON THE TAPE

(crying and babbling)

Hello, please send help. My twin brother

has been shot.

911 OPERATOR

Slow down sir. What happened?

SAM SWEET

Oh my god, they shot him with a shot gun

four times. I mean I think it was a

shotgun. Who would do such a thing?! I

think it was an Asian gang or something.

They were speaking some other language.

Sam leans over and whispers something in his lawyer's ear.

TABITHA SOREN

Hmm. Who indeed? Coming up next, a rare

interview with Michael Jackson's zoo-

keeper.

25 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY

Steven is playing a pick-up, full court basketball game with some of his friends. It is a competitive, but friendly game. Steven is on skins, Rick is on shirts.

STEVEN

Here, here, here.

A player passes to Steven. Rick is covering him. Steven drives to the basket and puts in a lay up.

RICK

(to himself)

Shit! My fault! My fault!

STEVEN

Not your fault. I'm in the zone. There

is no stopping me today.

Play begins again. A player named JEFF takes the ball out, then passes to a heavy-set player who catches the ball, then drives to the basket. When he does he twists his ankle, dropping the ball. The ball rolls out of bounds into a dark corner of the gym. We follow it as it rolls on the ground until it hits a man's sneaker. A pair of hands pick up the ball. The camera tilts up the man's body. It is the Cable Guy. He is holding another ball. He starts dribbling the two balls in a circular pattern.

CABLE GUY

Hey, you guys play here, too? Cool. I

was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd

run the court for a couple of innings.

RICK

(gestures to injured player)

Great. We need another man.

STEVEN

This is… Chip Douglas… my cable guy.

Rick smiles in recognition.

CABLE GUY

We met about a week ago during a routine

installation, but I feel like I've known

him my whole life.

Steven can't believe this is happening.

RICK

Oh really. That's sweet. All right Chip

Douglas, you're on shirts. Let's play.

CABLE GUY

No, I want to be on Steven's team. I'm

skins.

The Cable Guy quickly takes off his shirt. Steven looks shocked because underneath his clothes he is rippled with muscles. The dichotomy between his nerdy face, and his awesome physique is scary.

JEFF

I don't care, I'll be shirts. Let's just

play.

CABLE GUY

Wait a sec'. I've got to warm up.

The Cable Guy starts running wind sprints across the court, touching all the main lines. Everyone stares at him until he finishes.

CABLE GUY

Let's get it on!

STEVEN

Are you any good?

CABLE GUY

Feed me under the boards and you'll find

out.

Play begins. The shirts inbound to Jeff. The Cable Guy is all over him, covering him as tightly as humanly possible. He keeps his hands near Jeff's face, whacks him in the back as he dribbles, etc. He couldn't be more annoying. Jeff passes to Rick who drives to the basket and puts up a shot which goes in. Rick and Jeff slap hands.

CABLE GUY

(doing the traveling hand signal)

Traveling! That's traveling!

RICK

Yeah, whatever you say Chip.

Everyone runs down the court, ignoring him.

CABLE GUY

All right, so we're playing that type of

game. Prison rules. I get it.

Steven takes the ball out. The cable Guy runs around the court, attempting to get open. He criss crosses all over the court.

CABLE GUY

Feed me the rock! Feed me the rock! I'm

open!

Steven passes to the Cable Guy, who drives to the basket, pushing Jeff out of the way in the process. The ball goes in.

CABLE GUY

(does the foul hand signal)

And one! That's definitely a foul!

(to Jeff)

You want to mug me, my wallet is in my

other pants.

STEVEN

(to Cable Guy)

What are you doing?

CABLE GUY

Don't play from fear Steven. We can take

these guys.

MUSIC UP - SLOW MOTION - STEVEN'S P.O.V.

a. The shirts put a shot which doesn't go in. The Cable Guy swings his elbows wildly as he pulls it down.

b. The Cable Guy drives to the basket in slow motion violently taking down two men, including Rick.

c. Rick drives to the basket. On his way he fakes out Steven who falls to the floor. Rick scores. The Cable guy helps Steven up. As the Cable Guy walks across the court he bangs shoulders with Rick.

d. The cable Guy passes the ball to Steven, then sets a nasty pick against Rick, who goes down hard.

CABLE GUY

Take it to the hole!

Steven is so un-nerved by the Cable Guy's behavior that he misses a simple lay up. Steven grabs his own rebound. When he puts up a second shot, Rick gently fouls him. Steven stumbles to the ground. The ball does not go in.

CABLE GUY

Hey, are you okay?

He pulls Steven up.

STEVEN

Yeah. I'm fine.

CABLE GUY

Let's switch. I'll cover Rick.

The cable Guy gets in Rick's face and gives him a death stare.

Steven takes out the ball. He passes to a teammate who passes it to the Cable Guy who drives to the basket, then literally steps on Rick's back and leaps into the air and dunks the ball.

RICK

(enraged)

What the hell was that? That's it. I've

had enough.

Everyone begins to exit the court.

JEFF

Thanks for bringing your "friend".

The Cable Guy runs up to Rick.

CABLE GUY

Good game.

(slaps Rick on the butt)

You were tough out there. Your play

brought me up to a higher level. I mean

that.

RICK

(dismissive)

Yeah.

He shakes his head and exits with the rest of the players.

STEVEN

What are you doing?

CABLE GUY

It was payback time. I was protecting

you.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

STEVEN

You ruined the game.

CABLE GUY

I don't appreciate your tone Steven.

That's not the way friends speak to each

other.

STEVEN

What are you talking about? I don't even

know you!

CABLE GUY

Well let's fix that. Let me buy you a

Heineken?

STEVEN

No, I'm going home.

Steven turns to leave.

CABLE GUY

Well, uh, I guess we'll talk later. I've

got to go shower up and do some stuff.

I'll call you if I get a chance. Or you

call me… or something.

The Cable guy puts his hand up for Steven to high five. Steven slaps it halfheartedly. Then the cable guy extends his palm out low by his knee.

CABLE GUY

And down low.

Steven stares at it for a beat. The cable Guy waits. He'll wait as long as it takes. Finally Steven gives him a low five just so he can leave.

CABLE GUY

(pulls his hand away so Steven misses it)

Too slow. Have a good one.

STEVEN

(as he walks away)

Yeah, have a good one.

26 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT NIGHT

Steven runs in with a small bag of groceries. He is dressed for a date. He pulls out a bottle of wine. He opens the oven, and checks on dinner. It is almost ready. Then he checks his message machine as he prepares the meal. He begins chopping an onion.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

MESSAGE VOICE

You have eleven messages.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

(ON THE MACHINE)

Steven, it's mom. Give me a call. I'm

still your mother.

STEVEN'S FATHER

(ON THE MACHINE)

I'm getting on. Steven call your mother.

CABLE GUY

(ON THE MACHINE)

Hey Steven. Just checking in. Give me a

ring. I'm at 555-4329.

(beep)

What's up Steven? I'm at a pay phone. If

you're there pick up. Pick up. Pick up.

Okay, I'll be home later. I'll talk to

you then.

Steven stops chopping.

CABLE GUY

(ON THE MACHINE)

(beep)

Okay I'm home now. Give me a buzz when

you get in. I'll be here pretty much all

night. Bye.

(beep tone)

Hey Steven. Quick question, give me a

call when you get a chance.

(beep tone)

I was just taking a whiz, thought you

might have called. Okay later.

(beep tone)

Sorry, I had call waiting, didn't get to

it, thought it might have been you. All

right, bye.

Steven is beginning to get a little wigged out by this. He fast forwards through a sampling of the rest of the calls.

CABLE GUY

(fast forwards)

…We're having ourselves quite a little

game of phone tag here. You're it!

(fast forwards)

…I was just blow drying my hair and I

thought I heard the phone ringing.

(fast forwards)

…you're a tough man to reach.

(fast forwards)

I guess you're too busy to call your

friends.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

Steven fast forwards the machine. All he hears is sighing. Then –

CABLE GUY

(ON THE MACHINE)

(long beat - then quiet and distant)

Shit.

The doorbell rings. Steven takes a deep breath then opens the door. It is Robin. She is dressed casually, but looks beautiful.

STEVEN

Hey, good to see you.

There is an awkward moment where Steven intentionally doesn't kiss her hello.

STEVEN

Come on in. What do you think of the

place?

She looks at the odd placement of furniture.

ROBIN

You made some interesting choices laying

out the room.

STEVEN

(embarrassed)

That's actually where the movers put the

furniture. I'm gonna change it, very

soon.

ROBIN

No, I like it.

27 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

The food is all eaten. Steven and Robin are sitting on the couch having an awkward conversation.

ROBIN

So how's work?

STEVEN

Work's good.

ROBIN

How's Hal?

STEVEN

Don't get me started. That guy has no

vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.

He's just worthless.

ROBIN

It's just great that you're getting to do

it. It's a real step up.

STEVEN

I know. Now if only someone at corporate

smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I

could really get some stuff done.

ROBIN

It's nice to see you doing so well.

STEVEN

Well, it's nice just to see you.

(looks at his watch)

Hey, it should be starting.

They sit on the couch. Robin moves to sit in closer to Steven. Steven turns on the television. The screen is filled with white noise. The sound is loud static. He changes channels looking for the signal. Then fumbles with the remote control as he attempts to lower the volume.

STEVEN

Damn cable is out. Son of a bitch.

ROBIN

It's alright. We can watch it another

night.

STEVEN

No, no. We really should see it now.

Now's a good time.

He plays with the remote, hoping it will magically come back. It doesn't.

STEVEN

Wait, wait. I know what to do.

He walks over to the phone, then pulls the Cable Guy's beeper number out of his wallet. He dials it, then presses the number in.

STEVEN

The Cable Guy's a friend of mine. I'll

just page him. We'll have this fixed in

no time.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

Steven dials the Cable Guy's beeper number into the phone. The moment he is finished dialing –

THERE IS A KNOCK - THE CAMERA WHIP PANS TO THE DOOR

Steven walks to the door and opens it. Standing there is the Cable Guy looking dark and disturbed, different than we've ever seen him before. Steven is startled.

STEVEN

That was… fast.

CABLE GUY

Is there a problem with your service?

STEVEN

Yeah… my cable went out.

Steven pushes him out into the hall.

CABLE GUY

Really?

The Cable Guy holds up a cut cable cord.

CABLE GUY

So you called me. Interesting how you

call when you need something. Is that how

you treat people?

STEVEN

I've been really busy. You've got to get

my cable going, Robin is here. This is

really important.

He peeks in to get a look at Robin. They make momentary eye contact. Steven pushes him back out.

CABLE GUY

But calling me back isn't?

STEVEN

I'm sorry. Please, you've got to help me.

CABLE GUY

Why should I help you? I gave you free

cable. What have you ever done for me?

STEVEN

Anything you want. Name it – quickly.

CABLE GUY

Tomorrow night, we hang out.

STEVEN

Fine, whatever you want.

CABLE GUY

God bless you. You're too good to me.

The Cable Guy walks over to a fuse type box, turns one knob, then walks back to Steven.

CABLE GUY

(loud-normally)

All set.

STEVEN

So what's with the cut cord?

CABLE GUY

(nonchalantly)

That's for effect. See ya' tomorrow

Steven.

(conspiratorially)

She's pretty. And don't kiss her. Don't

even touch her. Fight the urge at all

costs. It will pay off later with…

He makes a motion which implies sex.

CABLE GUY

Enjoy the flick.

The Cable Guy walks away. Steven walks back inside.

ROBIN

Who was that?

STEVEN

Nobody.

Steven sits down next to Robin. Robin moves next to him. Steven looks very happy.

28 ON THE TV

A scene from the film "Sleepless in Seattle."

The camera pulls out and reveals the Cable Guy watching the film in the back of his van – alone. We cannot see much of the inside of the van because the only light is that of the television, but we can tell that he lives there.

29 (SCENE 29 OMITTED)

30 EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSK

The Cable Guy and Steven walk across a parking lot. Steven has his eyes closed.

CABLE GUY

Sorry about yesterday. I was in kind of

a weird mood. How'd things go with you?

Keep 'em closed.

STEVEN

Pretty well. We'll see. Look, about the

other night. I didn't appreciate you --

CABLE GUY

Don't peek. I want this to be a

surprise.

STEVEN

I really don't need to be surprised.

Where are we going?

CABLE GUY

Only the best restaurant in town.

They walk around a corner.

CABLE GUY

Okay, here we are. Open sesame.

Steven opens his eyes.

The camera moves behind then and reveals an enormous faux castle with a big sign on it which says "MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT."

STEVEN

Medieval Times?

CABLE GUY

I know what you're thinking. Don't

worry, I'm buying.

31 INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER

The Cable Guy and Steven are walking to their table. All the seating overlooks a large, circular arena, the kind a rodeo is held in. The entire restaurant/arena is designed in Medieval themed decor. All of the staff are dressed as knights, sorcerers, royalty, etc.

(Revision Ends - Pink)

STEVEN

Funny. I never thought I would ever

come here.

CABLE GUY

I love this place. I come here twice a

week.

A Hispanic woman with a large butt walks by. The Cable Guy is transfixed.

CABLE GUY

Oh man, that's my look. I love big

butts. Ow, that hurts.

He grabs his crotch and squeezes, as if it's the only way he can control himself.

CABLE GUY

There oughta be a law. Man she is hot.

It's just not fair.

STEVEN

(gestures to him squeezing his crotch)

Please don't.

CABLE GUY

You know what I need right now? Pooooon

tang. And I'm not talking about the

place in Vietnam.

STEVEN

Good to know.

They sit down. The WAITRESS walks over. She is dressed in peroid clothes, but is not enthusiastic about her job.

WAITRESS

(flatly)

Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is

Melinda. I'll be your serving wench.

May I get you something from the bar

keep?

CABLE GUY

(too into it)

Dost thou have a mug of ale for me

and me mate? He has been pitched in

battle for a fortnight an has a King's

thirst for the beer thust thou might have

for thust.

WAITRESS

(uninspired)

I'll be right back my lord.

The Cable Guy puts something together.

CABLE GUY

There you go.

He hands Steven a paper crown. They both put theirs on.

STEVEN

Thanks for the help.

The Cable Guy sees something. His eyes widen.

CABLE GUY

Steven, don't turn around, but there is a

woman eyeing you like you are a piece of

meat and she hasn't eaten in a week.

Steven acts like he isn't interested, but he is.

STEVEN

Really? What does she look like?

CABLE GUY

Shoe's a hottie. I wish she was checking

me out. Man -- she is on fire! Total

robo-babe.

STEVEN

Are you serious?

CABLE GUY

Don't look.

STEVEN

I've got to look.

CABLE GUY

Okay, but play it cool. Just turn like

you are looking for the waitress.

Steven puts up his hand, and turns as if he's going to call for the waitress. He sees the woman. She is in her sixties, and probably wasn't attractive at any stage of her life. Steven turns back to the cable Guy, annoyed.

CABLE GUY

Ha-ha. I'm just messing with your mind.

But you fell for it man. You are one

horny Indian Chief.

STEVEN

(not laughing)

You got me.

CABLE GUY

So what did you want to rap about?

The trumpets go off, the lights go down and the show begins.

CABLE GUY

Hold that thought. Show's on.

The Cable Guy turns and looks at a stage that stands at one end above the arena.

32 ON THE STAGE - A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE ALAN RICKMAN IN "ROBIN HOOD" SPEAKS TO THE CROWD

HOST

Welcome to a magnificent journey into the

past. This is Medieval Times!

The entire crowd, filled completely with white trash tourists, applauds.

HOST

Are you prepapred for a night of feasting

and sport the likes of which ye will

never forget?!

The audience applauds.

HOST

I charge you to stand up on your feet and

cheer for your section's knight!

ON THE STANDS - Each section of the crowd is painted a color that corresponds with a knight. The Cable Guy stands up and cheers like he is at a wrestling match. Steven remains seated.

CABLE GUY

Let the games begin! The Red Knight

rules! Blue Knight! You're going down!

Going down!

An embarrassed Steven applauds politely. The Cable Guy sits down.

33 INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER

ON THE FLOOR - In the center of the room two Knights are fighting with swords while on horseback.

ON STEVEN AND THE CABLE GUY - They are eating whole chickens with their bare hands while watching the show.

STEVEN

(to the Watiress)

Could I get a knife and fork?

WAITRESS

There were no utensils in Medieval Times,

so there are no utensils at 'Medieval

Times.' Do you want a refill on that

Pepsi?

STEVEN

There were no utensils, but there was

Pepsi?

WAITRESS

Look, I have a lot of tables to get to.

The waitress exits.

CABLE GUY

(stands up - yells to the competitors)

Spill his blood! Take his kead! Show no

mercy!

The two knights fight with swords. After a few moments of battle the Red Knight wins.

The crowd erupts. The Cable Guy goes crazy.

CABLE GUY

(to Steven)

Come on, get into it, we won!

Releuctantly, Steven stands up and applauds.

STEVEN

(halfheartedly)

Way to go Red Knight. Good job of

killing. Good work.

Steven and the Cable Guy sit down.

CABLE GUY

So, what were you saying before?

STEVEN

(tentatively)

How do I put this? I've really enjoyed

hanging out with you, but...

CABLE GUY

That's why I became a cable guy. To make

friends like you. Every time I walk up to

a new door, that door is a possibility

for friendship. When I walked in your

apartment I knew there was something

there. I just knew it.

STEVEN

(sotto)

Oh lord.

(tries to get back on track)

I want you to know --

The lights change. Trumpets play a fanfare. The host walks out onto the stage, interrupting Steven.

HOST

We have reached the climax of our

competition good people! Now, two noble

men from our audience will battle to the

death to resolve a grievance. Will a

Master...

(looks at his clipboard)

Steven M. Bartowsky and Lord Ernie

Douglas make you way to the fighting

pit!

A spotlight shines on them. Steven is shocked.

STEVEN

What's going on?

CABLE GUY

We're going to do battle. It'll be fun.

STEVEN

Is this a normal part of the show?

CABLE GUY

No, but I give all the Knights free

cable. They said it would be cool if we

just went at it for a little while.

Two PIMPLY FACED SERFS from the show come and lead them away.

STEVEN

Is this safe?

CABLE GUY

That's what the armor's for.

34 INT. FIGHTING PIT - LATER

Steven and the Cable Guy are being dressed in armor by the two serfs. The Cable Guy could not be happier. Steven is freaked out.

STEVEN

What are we supposed to do? We've got to

be careful we don't hurt each other.

The Cable Guy doesn't answer him. He has his game face on.

CABLE GUY

I cannot listen to any of your

instructions for you are my sworn enemy,

and are about to meet your demise.

Before Steven can answer him the trumpets blare.

HOST

Let the battle begin. Come now people,

let me hear your voices!

The crowd cheers. Music plays. The serfs hand them each a sword and shield, then walk them to the center of the pit.

The Cable Guy crouches in a war-like position. He begins to circle Steven like a cat. Steven mirrors him, not sure of what to do.

STEVEN

Just take it easy.

The Cable Guy runs at Steven, and swings his sword. In fear, Steven puts his shield over his head. The sword smashes into it sending sparks into the air. The Cable Guy darts toward Steven and pokes him several times with his sword. Each time Steven blocks it with either his sword or his shield.

STEVEN

(enraged)

What are you doing?!

CABLE GUY

(matter of fact)

I'm trying to kill you.

The Cable Guy grabs a mace (a stick with a chain and ball attached to it) off of a weapon filled wall and runs at Steven, swinging with abandon. Steven blocks the deadly mace with his shield.

STEVEN

Hey, watch it!

The Cable Guy leaps onto Steven. Then he speaks into his ear as he pushes him down onto the ground.

CABLE GUY

This is just like when Spock had to fight

Kirk on 'Star Trek.' Best friends forced

to do battle.

Steven gets angry and pushes the Cable Guy off of him. He swings at the Cable Guy with his sword, just missing him. The Cable Guy rolls on the ground and pops back up in the air.

CABLE GUY

That's the spirit. Let's give 'em a good

show.

Steven charges at the Cable Guy, swinging wildly. It is a real battle now. He bangs away at the Cable Guy's mace until he knocks it out of his hands. The Cable Guy runs backwards, then falls on the ground.

By the look in his eyes we can tell that the Cable Guy's feelings are hurt.

CABLE GUY

So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All

right. If you want to play rought, Daddy

can play rough.

The Cable Guy charges at Steven with his shield. He upper cuts the shield to Steven's face, sending him to the ground.

The Cable Guy runs to the wall and grabs a huge battle ax, a four foot long stick with a fancy silver blade on the end of it. He swings it in circles like a Japanese master. Steven grabs a similar weapon, and then begin to circle each other.

STEVEN

Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop

it!

CABLE GUY

The name is Spock. If we don't battle to

the death, they'll kill us both. Good-bye

Jim.

He swings his sword, and they battle 'Star Trek' style. The Cable Guy begins to sing the "Star Trek Battle Music" as they fight.

STEVEN

This isn't 'Star Trek!'

MUSIC UP: STAR TREK BATTLE MUSIC

They bang the handles of their battle axes together, jockeying for position. The Cable Guy pushes Steven away from him, then takes a huge swing, but Steven leaps in the air over the blade. The Cable Guy swings over his head, and Steven blocks it with his ax handle. They continue to swing and roll in a vicious battle.

Then the Cable Guy takes a swing which Steven is unable to block. The battle ax cuts through part of Steven's protection.

STEVEN

(looking down)

Jesus.

The Cable Guy runs to a horses' entrance. There is a long pause, and then we hear the sound of pounding horse hooves. A moment later the Cable Guy rides out on a horse holding a jousting stick.

The show's host runs up to Steven.

HOST

Quickly, muster a top your steed.

(Steven doesn't move - the host drops character)

Get on the god damn horse! I don't think

he's kidding!

Left with no choice, Steven jumps on a horse and grabs a joust. The host smacks Steven's horse sending it straight toward the charging Cable Guy.

STEVEN

Don't do this!

CABLE GUY

Jim, we have no choice!

STEVEN

Oh my god.

They run toward each other. A horrible game of chicken. Neither gives in. When they reach one another Steven knocks the Cable Guy off his horse with his jousting stick.

The Cable Guy flies through the air, lands on his back. Steven rides to him. Jumps off his horse, throws off his helmet.

STEVEN

(concerned)

Are you okay?

The Cable Guy sits up and smile at him.

CABLE GUY

Well done good sir. You are the victor,

but we shall meet again.

The two serfs put Steven on a chair connected to two poles. They carry him to the center of the arena in victory. The crowd cheers wildly. Steven feels the adrenaline rush. He holds up his arms in triumph, and smiles.

DISSOLVE TO LATER:

35 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

They are walking up the stairs.

CABLE GUY

You've got a real warrior's instinct.

STEVEN

I've got to admit there's a real feeling

of power holding that jousting stick.

CABLE GUY

If Robin saw you tonight, she would be

begging you to take her back. I'm

telling you these knights get laid all

the time.

STEVEN

We should go again next week.

CABLE GUY

Easy there Lancelot.

Steven opens the door to his apartment.

36 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Steven pops into the kitchen and hits a button on his answering machine.

MACHINE

You have zero messages.

CABLE GUY

Nobody loves ya.

(grabs a beer from the fridge)

Hey, I think I left my staple gun in the

living room the other day. Could you be

a pal?

Steven walks to the living room.

36AA INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven turns on the lights.

CABLE GUY

What do you think?

Steven's entire stereo system and TV have been replaced with a sixty-five inch television, laser disc player, karaoke machine and a brand new stereo system. All top of the line.

STEVEN

What is this?

CABLE GUY

I took the liberty of updating your in

home entertainment system. I got you the

big screen, plus THX quality sound that

would make George Lucas cream in his

pants.

STEVEN

You went in my house when I wasn't home?

CABLE GUY

How else was I supposed to get the stuff

in here? Magic?

STEVEN

How much did this cost?

CABLE GUY

Practically nothing. I have a connection.

Preferred customer. I hook him up, he

hooks me up.

STEVEN

Look, I can't accept this. I wouldn't

feel right.

CABLE GUY

Yes but you give me something so much

more valuable… friendship.

STEVEN

And you've given me friendship, so we're

even.

(beat)

Really, don't take it personally, but

you've got to take it back.

CABLE GUY

(sadly)

Well, my buddy with the pick-up truck

works all week. Is it all right if I

leave it here till Saturday?

STEVEN

(guilty)

Sure, no problem. And don't get me

wrong. I really appreciate the gesture.

CABLE GUY

Mm-hmm.

(beat)

Staple gun?

STEVEN

Oh, right.

Steven picks up the staple gun. The Cable Guy pulls out a leather pouch. Steven drops the staple gun in the pouch. The Cable Guy never touches it.

36A INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

Steven dials the phone. On his computer screen a graphic reads "HELLO STEVEN - HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY."

STEVEN

(into the phone)

Robin, it's Steven again. I'm still

trying to reach you. Okay, I'm at work.

Call me.

He hangs up. He is getting frustrated. The door opens. Hal Daniels sticks his head in, but does not enter.

MR. DANIELS

How's it going?

STEVEN

Good.

MR. DANIELS

(long beat)

Good good?

STEVEN

Great.

MR. DANIELS

Good. Keep it up.

He leaves. The phone rings.

SECRETARY

(through the intercom)

Robin on line two.

Steven lights up. He takes a deep breath, then answers the phone.

STEVEN

Hey, I had the best time the other night.

When am I going to get you on my couch

again?

36B INT. VAN - DAY

The Cable Guy is driving around. He speaks on a cellular phone.

CABLE GUY

Well tonight's not looking too good. How

about tomorrow?

STEVEN

Chip?

CABLE GUY

I knew I'd get you on the phone that way.

Listen, that equipment will be history

the day after tomorrow. It sure would be

a pity to leave that karaoke machine a

virgin.

STEVEN

What do you mean?

CABLE GUY

Tomorrow night, you are having a karaoke

jam. No ifs ands or buts. Well maybe a

few butts. Later gator.

37 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SATURDAY NIGHT

CLOSE UP - AN OLD MAN'S FACE INTENSELY SINGING "AMERICAN WOMAN."

We pull out to reveal we are in Steven's living room. It is populated with about twenty odd looking misfits mingling and dancing to the music. Among them we see Rick looking very uncomfortable.

37AA INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Steven is on the phone. He is dressed up. Occasionally a misfit enters and grabs a drink from the fridge.

STEVEN

Hey Robin. What's up? Did you get my

message?

37A INT. - ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUT

The scene intercuts between the two locations. Robin is dressed up, and on her way out.

ROBIN

Yes. You left me five messages. It king

of freaked me out.

STEVEN

Sorry. I've been trying to reach you

'cause I'm having a party.

You've got to come over.

ROBIN

(listens for a beat)

I can't. I'm going to dinner with

someone.

STEVEN

Dinner? What, like a date?

ROBIN

Not really a date.

STEVEN

You've got a date?! I thought things

were going well between us.

ROBIN

They are.

STEVEN

So why are you going out on a date?

ROBIN

I made it before we got together the

other night. I knew you would freak out.

STEVEN

I'm not freaking out.

ROBIN

Yes, you are freaking out.

STEVEN

I'm not. I just can't believe you would

do this.

ROBIN

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm allowed

to date. It's not like we're back

together. We had a good time the other

night, and you're already pressuring me.

STEVEN

(pissy)

Fine, enjoy yourself. Have fun.

ROBIN

I will.

STEVEN

Fine. Bye.

Steven hangs up the phone. The Cable Guy appears, and hands him a beer.

CABLE GUY

This is just a sign that you need to live

a little. She's having fun, and you

should too.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

STEVEN

You're probably right.

CABLE GUY

Damn right I'm right.

STEVEN

Oh, I got you a little something.

He hands a box to the Cable Guy.

CABLE GUY

I thought you said we were even. You're

breaking the rules.

STEVEN

So shoot me.

He opens it. The box says, "Lose Your Lisp in Thirty Days." The Cable Guy is so moved he cannot speak.

STEVEN

My brother said it might help with your

lisp.

The Cable Guy looks Steven in the eye for a long beat, then hugs him hard.

CABLE GUY

Words cannot express…

(he is too moved to finish his sentence)

STEVEN

It's no big deal.

CABLE GUY

Yes it is.

He stares at Steven until it makes him uncomfortable.

CABLE GUY

Now I'm on a mission. This has got to be

the best party ever! Let's rock.

37B INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

They walk into the living room. A sad looking OLDER MAN is singing "Superfreak." Everyone's having fun. We see a couple of off duty policemen in uniform mingling with the crowd.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

STEVEN

You've got plenty of friends.

CABLE GUY

These people are acquaintances. They're

not ride to the airport friends, like us.

(sees something)

Whoa, chick alert at three o'clock. A

real barn burner. Don't look.

STEVEN

You're playing with me again.

CABLE GUY

No sirree Steven. This woman is all over

you like a lamp-shade.

STEVEN

Shut up.

He turns and sees a stunning woman standing in the middle of a group of male and female misfits. When he looks at her, she smiles. He quickly turns back.

CABLE GUY

Did it just get hotter in here?

(grabs his crotch)

Oh, that hurts.

STEVEN

Who'd she come with?

CABLE GUY

I don't know, but she looks pretty

available to me. I'd strike while the

iron is hot. He who hesitates,

masturbates, know what I'm saying?

ANGLE ON

A nerdy, balding man walks over to Rick.

ODD MAN

He sure can throw a party. Chip's an

incredible man. I really admire him.

RICK

Where do you know him from?

ODD MAN

He hooked up my cable. Didn't charge me

either. That's the kind of guy he is.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

ANGLE ON

Steven slowly walks over to the pretty woman.

STEVEN

Hey. I'm Steven.

WOMAN

Heather.

STEVEN

Can I get you something to drink?

HEATHER

Sure. I'll have a shot of tequila if you

will.

STEVEN

Coming right up.

37C INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER

AT THE KARAOKE AREA - Steven and Heather are singing "You're the One that I Want" from "Grease." They are both drunk, and having a great time.

The Cable Guy walks over to Rick.

CABLE GUY

I'm glad you accepted my invitation.

RICK

Steven invited me.

The Cable Guy looks at Steven and Heather.

CABLE GUY

Look at him. Have you ever seen him so

alive? He's changing, Rick. You've got

to learn to live with that.

RICK

I don't know what your story is "Chip

Douglas," but I'm going to find out.

CABLE GUY

Oooh. How dramatic.

The song ends. Rick walks away. He waves to Steven as he heads out. Steven runs over to him.

RICK

I'm getting out of here.

STEVEN

(drunk)

Why? This is a great party. This girl

is really into me.

RICK

You're whacked man. That guy is bad

news.

STEVEN

You don't even know him. You're just mad

'cause he kicked your ass in basketball.

RICK

I can't even deal. I'm outta here.

ON THE CABLE GUY - At the karaoke area. He speaks into the microphone.

CABLE GUY

Hello everyone. First of all I'd like to

thank Steven for being such a terific

host.

Steven smiles, and does a half wave to everyone as they applaud.

CABLE GUY

Don't forget to kick in some spinach for

the beer. Steven ain't made of money.

And I expect some of you to join in the

clean up crew.

OFF DUTY COP

Sing something! Do a song!

CABLE GUY

(false coyness)

No… I really couldn't.

ODD MAN

Come on! Do your song!

CABLE GUY

Okay, just to stop that guy from begging.

This number is dedicated to all of the

ladies in the house.

He puts on a Janet Jackson type microphone, then breaks into a fast paced rap of the song "Bust A Move," accompanied by elaborate dance moves.

CABLE GUY

(rapping)

(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

During the musical break the Cable Guy begins to break dance. He knows all the moves. The robot, the spider, the crab. He looks like a deranged cast member or "Electric Boogaloo." The guests go crazy.

ANGLE ON STEVEN AND HEATHER

STEVEN

You sounded just like Olivia Newton John.

HEATHER

I've been practicing for years.

STEVEN

(laughs)

So what do you do?

HEATHER

I can barely hear you. Do you want to

talk in the other room?

STEVEN

Oh… okay.

They walk into Steven's bedroom.

ON THE CABLE GUY

CABLE GUY

(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

38 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Heather are sitting on the bed talking.

STEVEN

She says she wants a break, and that's

fine with me. I think I needed some time

also.

HEATHER

Yeah. I know what you mean.

She leans in and kisses him.

39 INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The cable Guy has got all of the guests in a frenzy.

CABLE GUY

(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

40 INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Heather are kissing passionately. Suddenly the door flies open, and the Cable Guy dances into the room, takes out a Polaroid instamatic camera and FLASHES A PICTURE of them. Steven is disoriented. Behind the Cable Guy in the hallway is everyone from the party.

CABLE GUY

(Lyrics to "Bust A Move.")

He continues to rap, dance and flash pictures of everyone as he dances out of the room.

41 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING

Steven walks into the living room looking a little disheveled. The Cable Guy is cooking him breakfast.

CABLE GUY

Good morning sleepy head. I hope you

don't mind, I crashed on the couch.

Bacon and eggs coming up.

STEVEN

Where did Heather go?

CABLE GUY

I heard her slip out early this morning.

STEVEN

What a night. That was just what I

needed.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

CABLE GUY

You look like a new man.

STEVEN

I feel like a new man. I was getting so

used to being rejected. I really liked

her.

CABLE GUY

Hey, it was my treat.

STEVEN

(taken aback)

What do you mean it was "your treat?"

CABLE GUY

You know, I bought this time, you buy

next time.

STEVEN

(getting concerned)

Buy what?

CABLE GUY

You know, the women.

STEVEN

You mean Heather is a prostitute?

CABLE GUY

Of course she is. Do you think a woman

like that would hang out with us if we

weren't paying? Don't tell me you didn't

know.

STEVEN

I can't believe this.

He sits in a chair, and leans over in pain.

CABLE GUY

She's clean I assure you. I tried her out

last week to make sure she was top

quality, and I'm as healthy as a horse. Not

a drip. She's the best, ask any of my

friends.

Steven cringes.

STEVE

You've got to be kidding? Please tell me

she's a friend of yours. You're just

playing with my mind again, right?

CABLE GUY

I wish I had friends like that.

STEVEN

Get out of my house!

CABLE GUY

Don't be ashamed of yourself. I know she

was a working girl, but she kind of liked

you. You might have been able to

get a freebie.

STEVEN

Out, now! I don't ever want to see you

again.

(to himself)

Robin is never going to forgive me.

CABLE GUY

I'll tell you how to handle that. Don't

tell her. You want to get her back, I'll

help you get her back.

STEVEN

I don't want your help. I want you to

leave.

(gestures to the TV)

And take that stuff out of here.

CABLE GUY

(calmly)

Whatever. I can take a hint. I'll see

ya'.

The Cable Guy exits.

42 OMITTED

43 EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

P.O.V. Shot - Robin and a date enter the restaurant.

We move to reveal the Cable Guy driving up in his van. He watches them from across the street. A moment later he heads inside.

44 INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The Cable Guy enters the restaurant. The HOSTESS walks over to him.

HOSTESS

May I help you?

CABLE GUY

No, I'm meeting someone here.

He looks around the restaurant, then spots Robin and a handsome, chiseled man at a table. They are on a date. The Cable Guy looks angry. He walks to the restroom.

45 INT. RESTROOM - NIGHT

An OLDER BATHROOM ATTENDANT stands in front of the sinks. On the counter sits a variety of toiletries. A MAN washes his hands. The bathroom attendant hands him some paper towels. The man puts a tip in the basket, and exits.

BATHROOM ATTENDANT

Most appreciated.

The Cable Guy walks over to the bathroom attendant. He dramatically whips out a twenty dollar bill, and puts it in front of the bathroom attendant's nose.

CABLE GUY

You've been working hard. Take a break.

46 INT. RESTAURANT - A LITTLE LATER

Robin is talking to her date RAY. He is handsome, and somewhat goofy. They have empty salad plates in front of them.

RAY

My brother and I wanna start our own sun

block company. But the twist is, it's

only for skiing. SkiBlock. Or SunSki.

We haven't decided yet. Maybe BlockSki.

Do you think that sounds good?

ROBIN

BlockSki? That sounds right.

RAY

So, Gail told me you're just coming off a

relationship.

ROBIN

Well, not really. We're kind of in a

holding pattern. He wants more of a

commitment, but I don't think I'm ready.

I just want to have a good time for a

while.

RAY

Then we got to get you on a Skidoo!

ROBIN

Skidoo?

RAY

High powered snow mobile. It'll blow

your mind. It flies over powder like

it's glass.

Their waitress passes by.

RAY

(impatiently)

Hey, how are you doing on that chicken?

Have the eggs hatched yet? Thanks.

Robin is mortified by his behavior.

RAY

So, how's your work going?

ROBIN

It's been crazy. They just hired a –

RAY

Hold that thought. I have to use the rest

room. Be right back.

He leaves. Robin looks relieved to have a break.

47 INT. RESTROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Ray enters the restroom. The Cable Guy is now wearing the bathroom attendant's blue shirt white pants and a thin fake moustache. A DISTINGUISHED MAN walks over and washes his hands.

MAN

(to Cable guy)

Towel please.

CABLE GUY

My pleasure.

The man puts out his hand to take the paper towel, but the Cable Guy doesn't hand it to him, he grabs the man's hands and surrounds them with several paper towels, and begins drying them furiously. When he's done, he takes a beat and wipes them over and over, just to make sure they're dry. The man is aghast.

CABLE GUY

Enjoy your meal

The man exits. Ray walks toward the stalls.

CABLE GUY

Good evening sir. Pleasant night, isn't

it?

RAY

(curt)

Yeah.

CABLE GUY

But I guess the weather's always pleasant

in here. The winters are remarkably mild.

He laughs at his own joke. Ray walks into the handicapped stall.

CABLE GUY (OS)

If you need anything, just let me know.

Anything at all.

RAY

(getting annoyed)

I think I can handle it.

Ray unzips his fly, and prepares to pee standing up. Suddenly, as if out of thin air, the Cable Guy is standing right behind him. He speaks into Ray's ear, startling him.

CABLE GUY

I'm here to serve you.

RAY

Jesus! Get out of here!

CABLE GUY

Most people never bother to take

advantage of all my services, for

instance –

The Cable Guy grabs the back of Ray's shirt, kicks his feet out from under him, and slams his face into the toilet bowl, sloshing it around. Ray struggles, but the Cable Guy is too strong.

CABLE GUY

I can help you wash up. Cleanliness is

so very important.

He pulls his face out.

CABLE GUY

Then once you're done I have a variety of

skin care products which can make you

look years younger.

The Cable Guy kicks the door open, and pulls Ray toward the counter. He grabs a bottle of lotion.

CABLE GUY

This lotion is superb at removing liver

spots.

He slaps it onto Ray's face.

CABLE GUY

This one is an excellent moisturizer.

The Cable Guy pours some after cologne into his hands, and rubs his hands together as if he's about to put it on Ray's face.

CABLE GUY

And one can never underestimate the

effects of a good cologne.

The Cable Guy rears back and slaps Ray across the face.

CABLE GUY

(sniffs)

Mm… High Karate. And now a touch of

powder.

He takes a large powder puff, and smashes it into Ray's face temporarily blinding him.

CABLE GUY

(grabs a tweezer)

Ooh, I almost forget, it's oh so very

important to be properly tweezed.

The Cable Guy plucks several hairs out from between Ray's eyebrows.

CABLE GUY

You're on a big date, you'll need fresh

breath.

He takes a clear jar of combs, and pours the blue fluid and the combs into Ray's mouth.

CABLE GUY

Whoops, that's not mouth wash. But that

reminds me. Proper hair care is a must.

The Cable Guy combs his soaking wet hair into a very goofy looking side part.

CABLE GUY

Looking good, now let's dry you off.

He runs Ray face first into the starting button of an automatic hand dryer. It turns on. The Cable Guy puts his face right up next to the air.

CABLE GUY

Now suck it. Suck the air!

Ray hesitantly puts his mouth around the nozzle, and his cheeks start fluttering like an astronaut experiencing heavy G-Force.

CABLE GUY

from this angle you look just like Neil

Armstrong experiencing G-Force. I

believe you have the "right stuff."

The Cable Guy pulls him away, and smashes his face into the tip basket.

CABLE GUY

Don't worry about the tip. But I've got

one for you.

(whispers into his ear)

Stay away from Robin. She's taken.

He tosses him out the door.

47A INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

The door opens, and Ray falls to the floor.

47B INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

Robin sits alone at her table. She looks at her watch. In the background the Cable Guy slips out.

48 OMITTED

49 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steven is watching television while eating a TV dinner.

ON THE TV - LOCAL TELEVISION NEWS

ANCHOR MAN

Here's a bizarre story from downtown,

where a man was beaten in a restroom by

an assailant disguised as a bathroom

attendant. The victim has been unable to

speak since the unmotivated attack.

We see the image of a shaken up RAY being led out of the restaurant by two police officers.

ANCHOR MAN

A police sketch artist put together this

drawing from witnesses' descriptions.

We see a drawing which looks a little like the Cable Guy. In it he has a moustache and appears to be Hispanic. Steven looks carefully. Does he know that man? Nah. He changes the channel.

ON THE TV - the FOX logo flies up, followed by a slick promo for a FOX Movie-of-the-Week on the Sam Sweet trial.

ANOUNCER (V.O.)

Tonight on Fox, the true story behind the

trial that's captured the nation.

We see ERIC ROBERTS holding a shotgun, pointed at another scared ERIC ROBERTS.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

The jury may still be out, but the

chilling facts are in. Eric Roberts, in

his dramatic debut is Sam and Stan Sweet.

"Brother, Sweet Brother: The Killing of

Stanton Sweet." Tonight on Fox.

49A EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - DAY

The Cable Guy walks over to a FEMALE NEIGHBOR.

CABLE GUY

Excuse me, apartment 202 is Robin Harris?

FEMALE NEIGHBOR

(points)

It's right upstairs.

50 INT. ROBIN'S HOME - NEXT DAY

There is a LOUD KNOCK. Robin walks to the door and opens it without undoing the chain.

ROBIN

Who is it?

The Cable Guy sticks his face as far into the crack of the door as possible.

CABLE GUY

It's the Cable Guy.

ROBIN

There's no problem with my cable.

CABLE GUY

I've got an upgrade order for one Robin

Harris. The Rainbow package, that's every

pay channel available.

ROBIN

I didn't order this.

CABLE GUY

Apparently you've got a secret admirer.

She unlocks the chain, and the Cable Guy quickly steps inside.

ROBIN

Was it a man named Steven?

CABLE GUY

I can't tell you.

ROBIN

Come on.

CABLE GUY

No, I promised Steven I wouldn't say.

He gave it away on purpose. They both laugh.

CABLE GUY

Whoops, I slipped. Well you didn't hear

it from me.

51 INT. AIR DUCT - LATER

The Cable Guy is in the air duct. He is pulling cord. He reaches an area of the duct which opens up to a vent. He looks through and sees Robin changing in the bedroom. He tries not to look at Robin undress. He turns away.

CABLE GUY

I'm sorry Steven. I'm just a man.

He turns back and looks at her. He notices a birthmark on her back.

52 INT. APARTMENT - LATER

The Cable Guy is on his way out.

CABLE GUY

That about does it. Enjoy.

ROBIN

So, are you a friend of Steven's?

CABLE GUY

I'm proud to say I am. I installed his

cable recently, and we just hit it off.

ROBIN

That's right. You fixed his cable the

other night.

(suspicious)

So you guys are going out a lot?

CABLE GUY

Not really. That man is devoted to you.

You know I'm probably crossing a boundary

telling you this, but he's really crazy

about you.

ROBIN

Did he say that?

CABLE GUY

Only every five minutes. Quite frankly,

I'm sick of hearing it. No, I'm just

kidding with you.

(looks her deeply in the eyes)

He's a good man. He mentioned that you

guys have had some problems.

ROBIN

Well, it's a little complicated.

CABLE GUY

It always is. You know I asked a woman to

marry me once. She said she wanted to

think about it. We agreed to take some

time apart to re-assess our feelings. To

give each other…

(mockingly)

space.

(chokes up)

Well, she is no longer with us.

ROBIN

I'm so sorry.

CABLE GUY

Sometimes you don't have the time you

think you have. Just promise me you'll

never go bungee jumping in Mexico.

ROBIN

I promise.

CABLE GUY

(embarrassed that he spoke too much)

Anyway, I've got to go.

He quickly departs. We hold on Robin for a beat.

53 EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy smiles, proud of himself.

53A EXT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSK

Establishing shot of the building. We hear Steven's cellular phone ring.

53B INT. RENOVATION SITE - DUSK - INTERCUT

Steven holds on a cellular phone as he walks down the long Gothic hallway of a half renovated school house. Around him construction workers go about their business.

STEVEN

Hello?

ROBIN (VO)

I love you.

STEVEN

Robin?

54 INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - INTERCUT

Robin is on the phone.

ROBIN

Yes.

STEVEN

(surprised)

I… love you too.

ROBIN

That was so sweet of you.

STEVEN

(playing along)

Oh… well…

ROBIN

You didn't have to do that.

STEVEN

I… wanted to.

ROBIN

Giving me free cable. Only you would do

that.

STEVEN

You got it? Great.

ROBIN

Yes, your friend came by.

STEVEN

My friend?

ROBIN

The Cable Guy. I liked him. He was kind

of goofy, but nice. Thank you so much

for doing that.

STEVEN

I'm… glad you liked it. I've wanted to

do something nice for you, but I've been

trying to give you your space.

ROBIN

Well, I don't think we should make rules

anymore.

STEVE

Okay.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

ROBIN

Call me later if you're around?

STEVEN

Sure. I'll call you as son as I get

home. Bye.

Steven is elated. He can barely contain himself.

RICK (O.S.)

Steven, are you ready to go?

Steven turns and sees Rick wearing a "Soundgarden" T-shirt.

STEVEN

(pained)

The concert. Oh Jesus.

RICK

What?

STEVEN

Robin just called. I think we're getting

back together.

RICK

(pissed)

So you're blowing me off? I can't

believe this.

STEVEN

This is the first time she asked to get

back together.

RICK

You do this every time. You only call me

after a girl breaks your heart. "Oh Rick

can I stay on your couch? Let's talk all

night about how mean girls are." Then as

soon as a relationship starts again

it's bye-bye Rick. I don't know why I

fall for it anymore.

55 OMITTED

56 EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

It is raining. Rick pulls up, and drops Steven off.

STEVEN

Can't you get someone else

to go?

(Revision Ends - Blue)

RICK

Maybe I'll take MY cable guy.

Steven gets out of the car. Rick drives off. Steven walks up the steps to his apartment. The Cable Guy appears from behind a corner.

CABLE GUY

Pretty smooth work. I set 'em up, you

knock 'em down.

STEVEN

What?

CABLE GUY

Robin. I got her back for you. I juiced

her up.

STEVEN

How do you know we're back together?

CABLE GUY

Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

STEVEN

I don't want you messing around with my

life. You've caused enough trouble as it

is.

CABLE GUY

I know. I felt bad about the other night,

so I wanted to make it up to you. So

what are you doing? Do you want to catch

a bite?

Steve looks the Cable Guy in the eye.

STEVEN

(sincerely yet curt)

Look, I appreciate you helping me out

with Robin. But you have to understand,

I'm going to have to work extra hard to

not screw this relationship up again.

You're a great guy, but I just don't have

any room in my life for a new friend. Do

you understand?

CABLE GUY

I appreciate your honesty. You're a real

straight shooter.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

STEVEN

So, you're okay?

CABLE GUY

Hey, I'm a big boy. It's no big deal.

Whatever.

STEVEN

All right… well, take care.

CABLE GUY

Have a good one.

The Cable Guy walks away. Steven stands there feeling a little guilty about what he just did. MUSIC UP.

57 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

ON THE TV - Conan O'Brien is doing a monologue joke about Sam Sweet.

Steven and Robin are kissing. Outside it is raining. There is occasional lightning and thunder. In the middle of kissing, lightning flashes. Steven looks up and sees a flash of the Cable Guy staring down at them, his faced pressed against the skylight. In the next flash he is gone. Was it real? Steven looks scared.

ROBIN

Are you alright?

STEVEN

I'm fine.

They go back to kissing.

57A EXT. TELEPHONE POLE/INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE - DAY

The Cable Guy and Robin are speaking on the phone. As the conversation continues we slowly pull back and reveal that the Cable Guy is standing on the top of a telephone pole, dressed as a phone company employee. He speaks into a repairman's phone which is illegally hooked into the telephone pole.

CABLE GUY

Hey, it's Chip Douglas.

ROBIN

Chip Douglas?

CABLE GUY

Your cable guy.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

ROBIN

(surprised to hear from him)

Oh, hi. What's up?

CABLE GUY

I feel kind of weird calling you. It's

just… I'm worried about Steven.

ROBIN

What is it?

CABLE GUY

Something isn't right. He hasn't been

himself lately. Have you noticed

anything?

ROBIN

No, things are actually going really

well.

CABLE GUY

Good.

ROBIN

Should I be worried?

CABLE GUY

Nope. I'm probably just being a nervous

nellie. Let's just keep our eyes open.

ROBIN

(nervous)

I will. Good-bye.

She hangs up, then dials Steven's number.

ROBIN

Steven Bartowsky please.

57B INT. STEVEN'S SECRETARY'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

His secretary, JOAN, answers the phone.

JOAN

Sorry Robin. He's in a meeting.

58 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

A dozen of the top employees of the company Steven works for are having a meeting. Steven listens intently as a SALES MANAGER speaks to the group.

SALES MANAGER

The response to our initial offering has

been remarkable. A local investment

group has decided to buy the entire

complex and turn them into rentals. In

retrospect I must admit we made one big

mistake.

Everyone hangs on his every word.

SALES MANAGER

We should have asked for more money.

The entire room laughs. Mr. Daniels stands up.

MR. DANIELS

I just want to put this out there,

Stevey. You did it bro. You laid your

cajones, and mine, out on the table, and

you slam dunked it. Way to go.

(nervously jokes)

Now watch, they'll kick you upstairs

ahead of me. All right, in other

business…

As Mr. Daniels speaks, Joan tries to get Steven's attention from a crack in the door.

JOAN

(quietly)

Pssst. Steven.

Steven turns and sees her. She waves for him to come to her. He waves her off.

JOAN

(more urgently-quietly)

I really need to speak with you.

Some people are beginning to notice this exchange.

STEVEN

(curtly)

It can wait.

Right then two POLICE OFFICERS storm into the room. Joan stands behind them looking concerned.

POLICE OFFICER

Is there a Steven Bartowsky here?

STEVEN

Uh… I'm Steven Bartowsky. What's going

on?

POLICE OFFICER

You are under arrest.

MR. DANIELS

On what charge?

POLICE OFFICER

Receipt of stolen merchandise.

STEVEN

What? I never –

POLICE OFFICER

Please put our hands on the table.

Steven moves a sudden move toward the Police Officer. The Officer jabs him in the ribs with his club. Steven groans, then leans over in pain.

POLICE OFFICER

Please follow my instructions. Hands

on the table.

Steven puts his hands on the table. The Officer kicks his legs apart, then frisks him in front of everyone. It is pure humiliation.

POLICE OFFICER

Hands behind your back.

The other Officer cuffs him, then turns him around.

POLICE OFFICER #2

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used against you

in a court of law. You have the right to

an attorney. If you cannot afford an

attorney one will be provided for you.

Do you understand?

STEVE

This is all a mistake. I didn't accept

any stolen goods.

Just then it hits him. He hears the Cable Guy's voice in his head.

CABLE GUY (V.O.)

(with echo)

…you're getting THX quality sound that

would make George Lucas cream in his

pants – cream in his pants.

He pushes him toward the door. Steven looks at everyone's horrified faces as he is taken away. He tries to break the tension with a joke.

STEVEN

Hey, relax. I'm the one who's going to

jail.

Nobody laughs. He exits.

59 EXT. OFFICE TOWER - MOMENTS LATER

Steven is walked to a police car, and put inside.

We slowly reveal a man across the street at an auto shop. He is looking under the hood of his car. Apparently it has broken down. The man turns and we see that it is the Cable Guy covertly watching Steven's humiliation. As the policeman pushes Steven into the car he looks at the Cable guy and touches his nose. The Cable Guy touches his nose.

60 INT. POLICE STATION - LATER

Steven is chained to a bench. He is speaking to his father EARL, a stout man of sixty, and his LAWYER.

EARL

I can't believe you did this.

STEVEN

I didn't do anything. My cable guy gave

me all that stuff as a present.

EARL

A stereo system and a big screen TV as a

present? You expect me to believe that?

You know you're killing your mother with

this.

STEVEN

I swear it's true.

EARL

Why would you accept such extravagant

gifts?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

STEVEN

I don't know. I shouldn't have.

EARL

What is really going on here Steven? Are

you on something?

STEVEN

I'm fine! I didn't do anything! Please

call my cable guy, his name is Ernie

Douglas.

LAWYER

Steven, the police looked into it, nobody

named Ernie Douglas works for 'The Cable

Company.'

EARL

You want to tell us the truth now

STEVEN

(falling apart)

That's got to be a mistake. Oh, this

is not happening.

EARL

Yes it is, and it's killing your mother.

Did you deliberately want to ruin our

fortieth anniversary party on Monday,

Steven?

STEVEN

Yeah, Dad, I did. It's all a big plan.

(to the lawyer)

When can you get me out of here?

LAWYER

Unfortunately it's too late to get a bail

hearing today. You're going to have to

spend the weekend in county lock up.

STEVEN

The entire weekend?

61 OMITTED

(Revision Ends - Blue)

62 INT. PRISON - LATER

Steven is now wearing prison blues. He holds a pillow and a set of sheets as he walks down the long corridor to his cell. Lining each side are cells filled with angry prisoners who throw things at Steven, and taunt him as he walks by. It is a nightmare.

PRISONER #1

New meat! Look at the pretty boy!

PRISONER #2

Nobody touches him, he's mine! You touch

him, you're dead!

PRISONER #3

Is baby scared? Don't cry baby!

They all laugh and scream at him until he reaches his cell. A guard opens the door. Steven enters his cell. He turns and inside is an angry looking prisoner. The door is locked behind him.

ANGRY PRISONER

Ooh, looks like I won the lottery.

63 OMITTED

64 INT. VISITORS ROOM - MORNING

A guard walks Steven in. His lawyer sits on the other side of the glass with his back to Steven. Steven sits down and picks up the phone, excited to hear any news.

STEVEN

What did you hear? What did you hear?

The man turns around. It is not Steven's lawyer, it is the

Cable Guy dressed in an expensive suit.

CABLE GUY

Hello Steven. I came as soon as I heard.

Steven's head sinks.

STEVEN

Who are you?! What's your real name?!

CABLE GUY

So many questions.

STEVEN

Why are you doing this to me?

CABLE GUY

I didn't do this to you, you did this to

you. You need to learn who your friends

are.

STEVEN

You set me up.

CABLE GUY

I taught you a lesson. I can be your best

friend, or your worst enemy. I hope

you'll choose the latter… I mean, the

former. You know what I mean.

STEVEN

I'll never be your friend. You need help.

The Cable Guy absorbs the blow, then goes on the offensive.

CABLE GUY

Right now I think you're the one who

needs help. I'm here to give you comfort.

The Cable Guy huts his hand up to the glass.

CABLE GUY

Come on, touch it.

Steven just stares at him.

CABLE GUY

Come on. You need human contact. Touch

it.

STEVEN

I will not touch it.

The Cable Guy stands up, and begins unbuttoning his shirt.

STEVEN

What are you doing? Stop it.

Steven looks around frantically.

CABLE GUY

I know how you're feeling right now.

The Cable Guy pushes his naked breast against the glass. Other prisoners are beginning to stare.

STEVEN

(smacking the glass)

Stop it! Stop it!

CABLE GUY

I'm here for you.

STEVEN

(smacks the glass three times)

Get off there! Are you trying to get me

killed?

The Cable Guy begins to laugh.

CABLE GUY

(as he buttons his shirt)

I was just messing with your mind. That

was from 'Midnight Express.' Awesome

film. Oliver Stone won the Academy Award

for the screenplay.

STEVEN

Guard! Guard!

CABLE GUY

Don't you worry about Robin, I'll make

sure she's well taken care of.

STEVEN

You go near her, I'll kill you.

Steven lunges at the glass. Steven's guard pulls Steven out of the room toward the exit.

STEVEN

Hey, this is the guy who framed me!

The Cable Guy walks to his door. He turns to the guard at the door.

CABLE GUY

(warmly)

Louis, how'd you like that Tyson fight on

Pay Per View? I told you it's more fun

when it's Free Per View.

They both laugh. The door closes behind them.

65 EXT. OUTDOOR CAFÉ - DAY

The Cable Guy is sitting at a table wearing a Walkman. People look at him funny as he speaks out loud to his lisp tape.

(Revision 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY

(over-pronouncing)

Sea shells. Sea shells. Salmon. Salmon.

Silverware. Silverware. Suspicious.

Suspicious. Sensational. Sensational.

Robin is brought over to the table by a hostess. The Cable Guy takes off his Walkman, and stands up to be polite. He sits down in perfect synch with her.

ROBIN

Hello.

CABLE GUY

Hello. I'm sorry we have to meet under

these circumstances.

ROBIN

Me too. Believe me.

CABLE GUY

I know we don't know each other very

well, but we do have one thing in common,

our concern for Steven.

ROBIN

Well, you were right. Something's

happening with him and he won't even

acknowledge it.

CABLE GUY

If he refuses to admit he has a problem,

we may have to let him hit bottom. He's

gonna need some tough love.

ROBIN

(tentatively)

You know his lawyer said that nobody

named Ernie Douglas works for the Cable

Company.

CABLE GUY

(chuckles)

Did he do a name search? 'Cause I work

under a pseudonym so the customers won't

harass me at home. Kind of like a

stripper. My real name is Larry, Larry

Tate.

ROBIN

And he's saying he received all the

stereo equipment from you.

CABLE GUY

(I know, and I'm not mad. He's been

cornered, so he's telling some wives

tales. He doesn't mean to hurt me.

ROBIN

I just feel like I triggered this with

him. It's not that I don't want to get

married, it's just I felt like he wanted

to get married just to get married. I

don't deal well with pressure.

CABLE GUY

Hey, welcome to the human race. We're

not perfect. We all think we have to

look like a 'Baywatch' babe and be as

witty as 'Seinfeld.' Give yourself a

break.

ROBIN

God I could go for turkey and mashed

potatoes now.

CABLE GUY

Comfort food. Bring it on.

ROBIN

Exactly.

She laughs.

CABLE GUY

You've got a great laugh. Can I make a

small request? I'd like to hear it a little

more often.

She blushes.

66 INT. PRISON ADMINISTRATION - NEXT DAY

ON THE TV - Hard Copy's BARRY NOLAN, sits behind his desk giving a news update.

BARRY NOLAN

The Sam Sweet trial has been thrown into

chaos as a result of a videotape made a

month after the killing. In this "Hard

Copy" exclusive an apparently intoxicated

Sam Sweet puts on a macabre show for his

friends at a party. The judge has not

decided whether this tape is admissible

as evidence.

We see a videotape of Sam Sweet at a party. The date and time are seen in the corner. Sam stands next to the corner of a wall which is completely covered with a mirror. Sam gestures with a beer bottle as he looks at his reflection in the mirror.

SAM SWEET

(to camera)

Hey everyone. Look it's me and…

(gestures to his reflection)

my brother Stan.

(waves at reflection)

Hi Stan. It's so nice to see you. How

are you feeling?

(to camera)

Look, he's alive.

Sam punches the mirror, shattering it.

SAM SWEET

(angry)

Now he's dead.

Realizing he's revealed too much, he forces a smile.

SAM SWEET

What? I'm just goofing around.

We pull back and reveal a group of police officers watching this on television.

We pan over to Steven's father EARL paying bail.

STEVEN

I'm sorry dad.

EARL

I don't want to hear it. Do you know the

pain you out your mother through? You're

lucky she didn't die of a heart attack.

STEVEN

I didn't do anything.

EARL

Just like you said you didn't steal that

'X-Men' comic book when you were eight.

Then I found it in your underwear drawer.

STEVEN

Will you ever stop mentioning that?

EARL

This cost me a lot of money. You jump

bail, and I swear I'll hire a bounty

hunter to hunt you down.

67 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - DAY

Steven walks into his apartment, exhausted from his jail experience. He walks into the living room and sees several new frames on the wall. They are four foot blow ups of Polaroid photographs of Steven with his arm around the Cable Guy at the karaoke jam. The photos have been tinted in a stylish fashion.

Steven angrily runs to the wall and takes them down.

68 OMITTED

69 EXT. STEVEN'S PARENTS' HOME - NIGHT

Steven and Robin are walking up the stairs to the front door. They are dressed up for his parents' anniversary party.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

ROBIN

Are you sure you're okay?

STEVEN

I'm fine.

ROBIN

You're not fine. When you say you're

fine, I know you're not fine.

STEVEN

I just want to get this over with so I

can go home and get some rest.

ROBIN

I wanted you to know I invited your

friend. He was concerned about you.

STEVEN

Great. I feel. Bad. I've been kind of

blowing Rick off lately.

He rings the doorbell.

ROBIN

Not Rick.

The door opens. Standing there, dressed to kill, is the Cable Guy.

CABLE GUY

You can only come in if you came to rage.

Steven is shocked. Robin walks in. When Steven walks in, the Cable Guy stops him.

CABLE GUY

(to Robin)

Is this guy cool?

(to Steven)

I'm just joshing. Come on in.

They walk inside.

70 INT. STEVEN'S FATHER'S HOME

Steven turns to Robin.

STEVEN

(enraged)

What is he doing here?

ROBIN

I invited him.

STEVEN

When did you invite him?

ROBIN

At lunch the other day.

STEVEN

At lunch? You had lunch with him?

The Cable Guy walks over.

ROBIN

Hello. You look great.

She gives him a peck on the cheek. Steven winces.

CABLE GUY

And you are a vision. Hello Steven.

You're looking rested.

STEVEN

Come here.

He pulls the Cable Guy aside.

CABLE GUY

Steven, what's with you tonight? I'm

getting some really weird energy from

you.

STEVEN

Maybe it's because I just got out of

prison, where you sent me. I should just

drag you to the police right now.

CABLE GUY

You can if you like, but I'd hate to have

to show Robin this.

He takes out a Polaroid of Steven kissing the hooker.

STEVEN

You son of a bitch.

The Cable Gut quickly puts it away.

CABLE GUY

Come on Steven, let's just have a good

time tonight.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

Robin, Earl and Steven's mother walk over.

EARL

Steven, your mother and I had a long talk

with your friend Larry here when he came

over to screw in the cable.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

(to the Cable Guy)

Thank you again for that.

EARL

(beat)

We owe you an apology. I didn't realize

the seriousness of your problems. You're

obviously going through some kind of

personal hell and I need to be more

understanding. We didn't get involved

with things like that when I was your

age.

Steven cannot figure out what kind of lie the Cable Guy has told them.

EARL

I know we haven't been there for you

lately but we're going to see you through

this, 'cause we are a family. I love

you.

He gives him a big hug. Steven grimaces.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

You've got a good friend here.

They walk into the next room where the entire family is gathered for pre-dinner cocktails.

Steven's brother PETE walks over to Steven. He carries a baby in a pouch.

PETE

(winks)

Hey buddy, we're with you. Keep your

chin up.

71 INT. DINING ROOM - LATER

As the Cable Guy charms Steven's family we pan across all of the guests laughing, and enjoying dinner.

CABLE GUY

So Steven is carrying this battle ax, and

he's chasing me, swinging like a mad

man. I'm yelling at him,

'hey, it's just a show!'

(Revision Ends - Blue)

STEVEN'S SISTER

He always takes things too seriously.

CABLE GUY

Tell me something I don't know. This guy

almost took my head off.

Everybody laughs.

The camera moves to Steven. He stares at the Cable Guy, his eyes filled with rage.

STEVEN'S P.O.V.

The Cable Guy is talking and eating in SLOW-MOTION.

ON STEVEN - watching him. He is in normal motion.

ON THE CABLE GUY - eating in SLOW-MOTION

ON STEVEN - getting very irritated.

STEVEN

What are you doing?

ON THE CABLE GUY

As he talks we realize he has not been in slow motion, he's just been pretending he's in slow motion.

CABLE GUY

It's from "Goodfellas." Remember the

intro scene at the bar. I'm Johnny Two

Times.

He moves in slow motion some more. Everyone laughs.

TONY, Steven's six year old nephew, runs to the Cable Guy with a toy gun.

TONY/CABLE GUY

Pow, pow, pow. You're under arrest.

Everyone laughs. The Cable Guy starts running around the table. Tony makes chase, laughing all the way.

CABLE GUY

You'll never catch me copper.

The Cable Guy stops, grabs a piece of asparagus and puts it between his lip and nose, and pretends it's a moustache.

CABLE GUY

I'm gonna wear a disguise.

Steven looks at the Cable Guy and remembers something.

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees the Cable Guy. The artist's rendering of the man who beat up Robin's date appears in front of the Cable Guy's face. Steven realizes that they are the same person.

Steven gets a frightened look on his face.

The kid points his gun at the Cable Guy and yells "pow." The Cable Guy drops to the floor like he's been shot.

CABLE GUY

Oh, you got me.

The Cable Guy plays dead. The kid walks over to him. When he gets close, the Cable Guy lunges to grab him.

CABLE GUY

(devil voice)

Aaah!!! Nobody messes with me and lives!

The kid screams with laughter and runs away. The Cable Guy chases him around the table and out of the room. Steven instantly fears for Tony's safety. He follows them.

72-75 OMITTED

75A INT. LIBRARY - A MOMENT LATER

Steven walks around looking for Tony. Suddenly from behind a couch Tony and the Cable Guy pop out.

TONY/CABLE GUY

Booo!

Steven flies back, scared out of his wits. Tony and the Cable Guy start laughing hysterically. They have a grand 'ol time enjoying their little prank.

CABLE GUY

Oh man, you should have seen your face.

It was classic.

STEVEN

Very funny. Tony, go to your mother!

Tony immediately starts crying. He leaves.

CABLE GUY

Look what you've done.

STEVEN

I know you beat up Robin's date.

The Cable Guy's laughter stops on a dime.

CABLE GUY

I guess I did what you didn't have the

guts to do.

STEVEN

You stay away from Robin.

CABLE GUY

(disturbed)

Don't mess with me. I'm feeling like a

part of the family, and I like it. You

should try it sometime.

Steven's mother enters.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

(looks at them)

My, you two look like brothers. Come on

back, we're all having coffee in the

living room.

Cable Guy quickly starts walking back to the dining room.

CABLE GUY

(happily)

Are you guys trying to fatten me up?

'Cause if you are, you're doing a damn

good job of it.

He laughs, and exits. Steven slowly follows.

76-78 OMITTED

79 INT. LIVING AREA - LATER

Everyone is sitting around having coffee. The Cable Guy is writing words on torn up pieces of paper.

CABLE GUY

You guys have never played "Porno

Password?"

EARL

No, but I like the sound of it.

CABLE GUY

It's the adult version of the popular

television game show. Robin you're on my

team. Steven, you're with mom.

(to everyone else)

You're the audience.

The Cable Guy sits next to Robin. Steven and his mother sit across from them.

The Cable Guy looks at the word, then shows it to the family so none of the contestants can see it. He whispers it in Steven's ear.

CABLE GUY

(whispers)

The password is… vagina.

Steven winces.

STEVEN

I really don't want to play this game.

(looks to his mother)

Woman. Woman.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

Uh… man?

STEVEN

No.

CABLE GUY

(to Robin)

Pe-nis. Pe-nis. Pe-nis.

Robin concentrates hard, but she can't figure it out.

CABLE GUY

Peeee-nis. Peeee-nis.

ROBIN

Vagina?

CABLE GUY

(pumps his fist)

Yes!

He high fives Robin. Everyone laughs.

EARL

(blurts out)

I thought it was going to be schlong!

(covers his mouth - embarrassed)

Whoops.

Everyone laughs. They are all having a great time, except Steven. The Cable Guy looks at the next word, shows it to the family privately, then whipsers to Steven.

CABLE GUY

The password is… nipple.

STEVEN

Can I pass?

EARL

Come on Steven, don't be a stick in the

mud.

STEVEN

Breast. Breast.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

Tit?

Everyone laughs. Steven's face is red.

CABLE GUY

Hard…

(gestures like there is another word after it)

Hard…

ROBIN

Erection?

Everyone laughs. Steven looks like he might kill the Cable Guy.

STEVEN

Center. Center.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

Nipple?

Everyone cheers.

STEVEN'S MOTHER

I can't believe I got it. I was going to

say areola.

Everyone laughs except Steven, who is mortified.

CABLE GUY

I wish you did, 'cause we'd be ahead.

The Cable Guy shows the word to everyone, then whispers in Steven's ear.

CABLE GUY

The password is… I'm not sure how to

pronounce this, it's either clitoris, or

clit-oris.

STEVEN

(snaps)

I can't say that to my mother!

EARL

Hey, she's a grown woman. She can handle

it.

ROBIN

Come on Steven. We're just having fun.

STEVEN

No, I've had enough. I can't do this.

This guy is ruining my life, I won't sit

here and play X-rated party games with

him.

EARL

Steven, I really think you're over-

reacting.

STEVEN

I am not over-reacting. You're all being

fooled by this guy! He's a felon for

Christ sake!

(to the Cable Guy)

I hate you! Get out of my life!

CABLE GUY

I'm sorry everyone. If I am a nuisance,

I will leave. I would never stay where I

am not wanted.

ROBIN

(to the Cable Guy)

You're not a nuisance. Please don't go.

(to Steven)

Steven, you're being an asshole.

EARL

Yeah, Steven it seems like you're the one

with the problem.

STEVEN

What? You have no idea what this guy is

really like.

CABLE GUY

I'll just go.

STEVEN

See what I mean!

CABLE GUY

Steven, what's with you tonight?

(gets close to Steven and whispers)

Robin showed me that birthmark on her

left shoulder. It's very sexy.

Steven punches the Cable Guy in the facem sending him to the floor. All of the women, including Robin run to help him.

ROBIN

(to Steven)

I can't believe you.

The Cable Guy gets up.

CABLE GUY

I'm fine. Thank you for a delightful

evening.

(to Steven)

I forgive you.

He exits. Everyone looks at Steven like he is the devil.

STEVEN

You don't understand.

Everyone walks away from Steven. The party is over.

80 EXT. DRIVEWAY - LATER

Robin is venting her anger at Steven as they walk to the car.

ROBIN

I just think you were completely out of

line. I don't know what's happening to

you these days.

Steven gets fed up.

STEVEN

Robin, this guy is a sociopath. He

leaves messages on my machine night and

day. He shows up wherever I go. He

won't leave me alone.

ROBIN

Sounds familiar.

STEVEN

You know he was the one who beat up your

date at that restaurant. That's right.

And he gave you the free cable. It wasn't

me.

ROBIN

But you took the credit for it?

STEVEN

That's what he wanted. He was

manipulating me. It feels so good to be

honest about this. We're finally

communicating. I've been wanting to tell

you for so long, but he's been

blackmailing me.

ROBIN

Blackmailing you? How?

STEVEN

With a photograph.

ROBIN

Of what?

STEVEN

Me with a... prostitute.

ROBIN

What?!

STEVEN

He set it up. He invited this woman to

my party and didn't tell me she was a

prostitute. I'm so glad we can talk

about this.

ROBIN

When did you have a party?

STEVEN

When we weren't communicating. I invited

you. You were out on a date.

ROBIN

And you were with a prostitute.

STEVEN

She seduced me. That's what they do.

They're professionals. And I didn't even

know she was a prostitute.

ROBIN

So that makes it better?

STEVEN

That's not the point. The point is this

guy has been setting me up. He's

responsible.

ROBIN

He didn't have sex with a whore. You

did.

STEVEN

Robin you don't --

ROBIN

I don't want to hear it. Breaking up was

the best thing we ever did. You have

some serious problems, and it's not my

responsibility to help you. I am only

responsible for my own happiness.

STEVEN

Where did that come from?

ROBIN

It was Jerry Springer's "final thought."

She exits.

80A INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Rick is running to an editing bay. Steven follows him.

STEVEN

I'm sorry I've been blowing you off.

RICK

You bet your ass you've been blowing me

off.

STEVEN

It's just, this guy is really doing a

number on me.

RICK

I told you not to hang out with him.

STEVEN

You're the one who told me to offer him

money so I could get free cable.

RICK

You didn't tell me he was a psychopath.

(beat)

I'll see if I can get my friend in

research to track him down. What's his

name again?

STEVEN

Ernie Douglas.

RICK

Ernie Douglas? Ernie Douglas? Why does

that sound so familiar?

81 INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

Steven's secretary Joan is watching a news report about the Sam Sweet trial on a mini television.

On the TV - a Female Prosecutor gestures with a shotgun as she questions a policeman.

Joan changes channels. The image changes to LARRY KING interviewing ALAN DERSHOWITZ regarding "the abuse excuse."

BACK TO SCENE

Steven walks over to Joan.

STEVEN

(to his secretary)

Did anyone notice I'm late?

JOAN

What are you talking about, you've been

here for an hour.

STEVEN

Thank you.

Steven walks to his office.

81A INT. STEVEN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Steven walks behind his desk. He notices something which disturbs him. His computer is on. He clicks a button and a message comes on the screen.

ON THE SCREEN - "GOOD MORNING STEVEN. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. HERE'S AN EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE."

Then an image comes on the screen. It is black and white surveillance video, digitized to the computer format. The video is of Robin and Steven talking. It is the conversation they had before they watched "Sleepless in Seattle."

STEVEN

Work's good.

ROBIN

How's Hal?

STEVEN

Don't get me started. That guy has no

vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.

He's just worthless.

ROBIN

It's just great that you're getting to do

it. It's a real step up.

STEVEN

I know. Now if only someone at corporate

smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I

could really get some stuff done.

The sccene starts again. It is on a loop. Steven is aghast. He looks up and sees the scene is playing on every computer in the office. He gets a panicked look on his face. Is Hal seeing this? He runs out of his office to prevent Hal from viewing this.

81B OFFICE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs to the edge of the stairs and looks down.

STEVEN'S P.O.V. - He sees Hal downstairs, walking into his office.

BACK TO STEVEN - He runs down the stairs towards Hal's office as fast as he can.

81C INT. HAL'S OFFICE

Steven walks in. Hal is sitting behind his desk staring angrily at the computer. He looks up and sees Steven.

HAL

Don't worry. I didn't see it --- 'cause I

have no vision.

Steven knows what's coming.

82 OMITTED

82A OMITTED

82B OMITTED

82C INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER

Steven walks to his car carrying a box filled with his belongings. He has been fired. Suddenly a car alarm beeps. It's headlights flash. Then another, and another. Soon he is surrounded by screaming car alarms, and flashing headlights. He looks around in fear.

STEVEN

Chip! Chip, this isn't funny! Where are

you?!!!

Suddenly they all stop simultaneously, and then the only sound is a miniacle laugh echoing through the garage.

Steven runs to his car, and gets in. He drives up the ramp in a panic. From out of nowhere the Cable Guy steps into the beam of his headlights. He cannot stop in time. The Cable Guy is thrown into the air, then lands on the back of the roof of the car. Before he falls off he grabs on to the bar of the luggage rack.

Steven looks through his rear view window and sees the Cable Guy staring at him.

As Steven continues to drive the Cable Guy climbs on to the roof of the car, then jumps on the hood, and stares at Steven through the windshield. Steven swerves around, almost losing control of the car.

STEVEN

Leave me alone! I have no job, no

girlfriend, no family anymore! It's

over! You won!

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY

(menacingly)

Oh no. It's not over. It's just gettin'

started.

He turns a corner very sharply throwing the Cable Guy off his car. The Cable Guy falls to the ground, rolling many times, then leaps to his feet using the momentum of the roll, and runs off, scampering like a supernatural bug.

83-94 OMITTED

95 OMITTED

95A INT. NEWSROOM - NIGHT

ON THE TV - The local news.

MARK THOMPSON

The jury has notified the judge that they

are very close to reaching a verdict, and

would like to keep deliberating into the

evening hours.

Rick is sitting at his desk. A FEMALE RESEARCHER walks over, and sits down.

RESEARCHER

There are five people named Ernie Douglas

in this county. Two are African

American. One is eighty-five years old.

One is eleven years old, and the last one

is in a wheelchair.

RICK

So we're nowhere. Ernie Douglas? Ernie

Douglas?

She begins tapping her foot nervously.

RICK

Could you stop that?

RESEARCHER

Don't snap at me. I'm doing this as a

favor.

He continues staring at her two-tone wing tipped style shoe.

RICK

(has an epiphany)

Wait, could you start that again? Start

tapping your foot again.

She begins tapping. Rick begins humming the theme to "My Three Sons." She joins him. They sing louder and louder. They've broken the code.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

96 INT. STEVEN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

The PHONE RINGS. Steven runs in the front door, and picks up the phone.

STEVEN

Hello.

RICK (VO)

Bingo. "My Three Sons."

STEVEN

Chip and Ernie Douglas.

97 INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT

Rick sits at his desk. The researcher is at his side.

RICK

I've got a list of every cable installer

fired in the last four years. Every one

of these guys has the same physical

description as our friend.

(reads from the list)

Murray Slaughter, Brendan Walsh, Sam

Malone, Alex Reiger. There was even a

guy who liked to be called 'the big

Ragu.'

97AA INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven walks in and looks for the Cable Guy's hidden camera as he speaks on the phone.

STEVEN

Carmine from "Laverne and Shirley."

RICK

That's so sad that you know that.

Anyway, the cable company in town fired a

guy six months ago named Darren Stevens.

He stole the truck and disappeared.

That's our guy.

Steven finds a small camera in one of the television speakers. He rips it out.

STEVEN

So he doesn't even work for the Cable

Company?

97A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Quick cuts of Steven bolting doors, and locking windows.

RICK (VO)

He was fired for beating up a customer

who yelled at him for being late. A

company in Denver thinks they might have

a lead on who he really is.

If I were you I'd lock down tonight.

I'll call you when I get some more info.

98 INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Steven is watching television. He struggles to stay awake.

ON THE TV - Court TV. The prosecutor in the Sam Sweet trial is speaking.

PROSECUTOR (ON TV)

Don't let your memories of these cute

twins distract you from the fact that

this funny star of a situation comedy

killed his own brother in cold blood,

then called the police and said he was

killed by an Asian gang. There was no

laugh-track on that night.

The prosecutor's words turn into gibberish as Steven's eyes go heavy and he falls asleep.

99 ON STEVEN - HE IS ASLEEP HE SLOWLY WAKES UP.

The gibberish turns into clearly spoken words, only this time the voice sounds more familiar.

ON THE TV - We see the Sam Sweet trial. A prosecutor makes a passionate final summation. We reveal that it is the Cable Guy.

CABLE GUY

This man killed his own brother. Some

people don't even have a brother...

The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy's face. He looks to camera.

CABLE GUY

...do they Steven? Are you listening to

me? Don't shut it off. Don't shut it --

ON STEVEN - He shuts off the TV, and walks out of the room.

100 INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

The entire apartment appears much larger. Steven walks down the hallway. He looks into the living room and sees Rick.

RICK

Why do you keep icing me man?

100A INT. ELONGATED BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

He opens up a door and sees an elongated version of his bathroom. The shower is steaming. The two eight year old Sweet twins stand in front of it looking very spooky. He quickly closes the door.

100B INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He continues down the hallway and opens the door to the dining room, but when he opens it he sees Robin's bedroom.

100C INT. ROIN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Robin is in bed. A man wearing a cable installer's uniform is smothering her with a pillow. The man turns -- it is Steven. He quickly closes the door.

100D INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He hears someone pounding on the front door. He opens the door. Nobody is there. Then the Cable Guy pops into frame holding a cut cord.

CABLE GUY

You owe me!

Steven slams the door. Then looks through the peep hole.

101 P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE

The Cable Guy begins to run full speed at the door. As he does he gets bigger and bigger, and more distorted as he come closer to the peephole. BANG! He hits the door. Then disappears from frame. A moment later he stumbles back into frame, then walks to the far end of the hall, and runs again to the door even faster. BANG! He staggers back into position again. He runs toward the door.

102 INT. STEVEN'S HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs away from the front door. The door smashes open, and the Cable Guy runs after him.

Steven runs away down the hallway. The hallway appears to be a mile long. He tries to run fast but appears to move in almost slow motion. Every time he looks over his shoulder he sees the Cable Guy running at an alarmingly fast rate of speed toward him, grunting like a wolf. He looks back another time and the Cable Guy is gone.

He keeps running, and the hallway starts getting smaller and smaller, till he can barely fit through. He becomes trapped at the end of the hall. Arms come out of the window behind him and grab him. Fifty Cable Guy faces pop out of the wall on both sides.

CABLE GUY

I just want to hang out. No big deal.

Steven breaks free of the hands and runs into his living room.

103 OMITTED

104 INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs in. The television is on. He sits on the edge of the couch not sure what to do.

He puts his head down. When he looks up, he sees the Cable Guy's face on the television set. The Cable Guy's face stretches out from the television, getting larger and larger.

CABLE GUY

Steven, you're just like me. We're cut

from the same cloth. We're one and the

same!

Then it opens its mouth, and swallows Steven pulling him into the television.

105 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Steven wakes up in a cold sweat.

STEVEN

(panting)

Oh my god. She's right. I am a

smotherer. I'm just like him.

The phone rings.

STEVEN

Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)

It didn't have to come to this Steven.

We could have been blood brothers.

STEVEN

Rick told me you were fired from The

Cable Company. You're not even a real

cable guy.

106 INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS

Close up of the Cable Guy's face.

CABLE GUY

Do you feel good now that you've hurt me?

Well now I'm going to have to hurt you.

I'm going to take away what you hold

dearest in the world.

STEVEN (VO)

I swear to God, if you touch --

CABLE GUY

Could you hold on a second, I've got call

waiting. It'll just be a sec.

He clicks over. Steven just sits there, waiting. Waiting some more. Then the Cable Guy clicks back.

CABLE GUY

Sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah.

You're going to feel my wrath.

107 INT. STEVEN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

STEVEN

(pleading)

Don't do this. There must be some way

for us to work this out.

108 INT. SOMEWHERE - CONTINUOUS

CABLE GUY

I wish there was.

(losing it)

Oh Steven, I'm just so tired. So very

tired.

STEVEN

Let's talk in person. Where are you?

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

CABLE GUY

I'm close. So very close.

The camera rotates and reveals that the Cable Guy is actually lying down. Then the camera rises up and reveals that the Cable Guy is lying in the floorboards right underneath Steven. A single beam of light shines across his face. As he speaks a large daddy long legs spider crawls across his face. He never acknowledges it.

CABLE GUY

You know, I don't think you're right for

Robin. She needs someone who can be

sensitive to her needs. Someone who

understands her soul.

STEVEN

You stay away from her.

CABLE GUY

Aren't we the control freak. Looks like

you're starting to sweat.

STEVEN

I got the camera. You can't see me.

Steven begins to pick his face.

CABLE GUY

Oh yeah? Then why are you picking your

face?

Steven throws the phone. When it lands we see the speaker phone light is on. He begins looking for the camera. He smashes his TV.

JUMP CUTS - Steven tearing through everything in his apartment.

CABLE GUY

You're getting closer.

Steven overturns a CD rack.

CABLE GUY

Pity, such a nice CD rack. You know

sometimes the answer is right under your

nose.

Steven lloks at the floorboards, then runs out of the room, and returns a moment later with an ax. He starts chopping at the floorboards, tearing the out.

He looks down into the hole, he sees nothing. Then a hand grabs him by the shirt and pulls his face into the space in the floor. The Cable Guy's face appears in front of him, screaming like a mad man. He licks Steven's face quickly, then disappears back into the hole. Steven falls back. He hears the Cable Guy scuttle away.

Steven sticks his head back down into the hole only to see the dust in the floorboards swirl in the aftermath of the Cable Guy's exit. He hears the Cable Guy crawling through the walls above him, then through the side walls, and away into the distance. When it clears he discovers a small makeshift observation room has been set up in the crawlspace.

There are a few photos pasted to the floorboards. One shows the Cable Guy as a child standing next to his mother. Steven's picture has been pasted into those photos making him look like the Cable Guy's brother. The only other photo is of Jerry Springer. Steven sees a small television monitor and a set of headphones from which the Cable Guy has been watching him. He looks at a cellular phone. Every speed dial on the back of the phone says "Steven" next to it.

Steven gets up, and runs out of his front door.

108A EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

It is raining lightly outside. Steven is in his car. He pulls away quickly.

109 INT. RICK'S NEWSROOM - NIGHT

Rick sits at his desk. The PHONE RINGS.

RICK

Hello.

109AA INT. MOVING VEHICLE - NIGHT

Super Close Up - What the audience will think is Steven's mouth (actually the Cable Guy) speaking on a cellular phone.

STEVEN

Hey Rick. I need to meet with you right

away. I've got some information about

this crazy cable guy.

RICK

Me too. I've got the whole story.

STEVEN

That's great. Let's meet at the old

school at nine-thirty.

RICK

Why all the way out there?

STEVEN

I think he's been following me. Don't be

late, buddy.

109AB EXT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Steven's car screeches to a stop. He runs up to Robin's door and starts knocking. Her FEMALE NEIGHBOOR opens her door.

STEVEN

Be home! Be home!

FEMALE NEIGHBOOR

Go away! I remember you. You're her

obsessive boyfriend. She said you might

come here. I'm calling the police.

She closers her door. He runs off.

109A EXT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - NIGHT

Rick drives up, then walks into the building.

110 INT. HALF RENOVATED SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

Rick walks through the school looking for Steven.

RICK

Steven? Steven?

In the distance he sees Steven standing in the shadows.

STEVEN

Hey Rick. I'm really excited to hear

what you found out about this nut.

RICK

I hit the Holy Grail. This guy is deeply

troubled. Only child. His mother was

arrested for prostitution, and phone

solicitation. Apparently she was some

phone sex pioneer.

STEVEN

No way.

RICK

And get this, he was discharged from the

Marines. He got mad at his Sergeant so

he sent a weapons silo to Defcon Two

using a Radio Shack computer. And that's

not the half of it.

As Rick gets closer Steven steps forward out of the shadows, and we reveal that it is not Steven, but the Cable Guy, dressed like Steven, doing a perfect impression (actually the real voice of Steven looped into the Cable Guy's mouth - with a very slight lisp).

CABLE GUY

Really? Tell me more.

Rick's face turns white. He stumbles backwards, trying to get away.

CABLE GUY

I'm very interested in learning

everything I can about that wacked out

cable installer.

He turns and runs. He is fifteen feet away from the Cable Guy.

The camera pushes in on the Cable Guy. He pulls out a staple gun, and fires. We hear but do not see Rick yelp, and fall.

CABLE GUY

It sounds like he might hurt somebody.

110A INT. STEVEN'S CAR - NIGHT

Steven is driving in his car. His cellular phone rings. He picks it up.

STEVEN

(panicked)

Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)

(talks like a game show host)

Nosey friends for two hundred. This

supposed pal of Steven's is currently

residing in the intensive care unit of

Good Samaritan Hospital.

STEVEN

Rick.

CABLE GUY (VO)

I'm sorry, you didn't answer in the form

of a question.

He hangs up.

111 OMITTED

111A EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven's car pulls up. He gets out, and runs toward the hospital.

112 INT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven flies through the swinging doors, and runs through the hallway of the hospital. He walks up to a DOCTOR.

STEVEN

(rapid fire)

Rick Legatos. He's a friend of mine.

Where is he?

DOCTOR

Room 205.

STEVEN

Can I see him?

DOCTOR

Yes. But he can't speak. He's in shock.

113 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Steven enters the room. The camera pulls back to reveal Rick laying in full traction, face down, his rear end heavily bandaged. He is unconscious.

Steven tentatively walks over to Rick's rear end. He pulls back a small portion of the bandage and sees that his butt is covered with staples. The staples form the shape of a television with an antenna. Inside the TV is the word "RING."

STEVE

(perplexed)

Ring?

The phone rings. Steven jumps, then picks up the phone.

STEVEN

Hello.

CABLE GUY (VO)

Poor Rick. Seems he had a little

accident with the business end of a

staple gun.

(Revision Ends - Blue)

STEVEN

You're not going to get away with this.

CABLE GUY

The question is, are you going to get

away with it? Apparently there was an

anonymous tip placed to the police

leading them to a staple gun at the crime

scene with your fingerprints all over it.

ROBIN

(VO)

All right, I'm ready.

114-6 OMITTED (NOW A PART OF SCENE 106)

116A INT. ROBIN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS - INTERCUT

We reveal that the Cable Guy is at Robin's apartment. They are getting ready to go out.

CABLE GUY

(non psychotic voice)

Be right there.

STEVEN

Was that Robin?

CABLE GUY

(psychotic again)

I've got to go. We're going to take a

romantic stroll on the information

superhighway.

Steven drops the phone, and runs out of the room.

116B INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs down the hall to the elevator. Before he reaches it the doors open, and the two policemen who arrested him at work walk out. Steven quickly turns left, but the policemen see him, and make chase.

OFFICER

Hey, hold it!

116C EXT. HOSPITAL - NIGHT

Steven runs out of the hospital. The two policemen run after him, about twenty feet behind. Steven jumps in his car, and takes off. The police follow in their car.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

116D EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

Steven's car turns a corner, and flies down a busy boulevard. A second later the police cars follow with sirens blaring.

116E EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin are at the dish. He gives her the same tour he gave Steven earlier in the film.

CABLE GUY

...it all started in Lansford,

Pennsylvania where Panther Valley

Television, with the assistance of Jerrod

Electronics, created the first cable

television system.

116F EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

The chase continues.

116G EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin are now standing on the edge of the dish.

CABLE GUY

The future is now. Soon every American

home will integrate their television,

phone, and computer. You'll be able to

visit the Louvre on one channel, and

watch female mud wrestling on another.

You can do your shopping at home, or play

a game of Mortal Kombat with a friend in

Vietnam.

117 EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

The chase continues.

Steven slams on the gas, until he is driving one-hundred miles-per-hour. He weaves in and out of traffic, running stop lights, and avoiding obstacles. The police cars disappear behind him. On a dime, Steven turns left onto a residential street and shuts off his lights. A moment later all of the police cars pass by. Steven pulls out and heads the other way.

117A EXT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT

ROBIN

This is really fascinating, but I really

think we ought to go now.

CABLE GUY

I knew you'd appreciate it. I took

Steven here once, and he didn't give a

rats ass about my interests.

ROBIN

I'm worried about Steven.

CABLE GUY

Maybe Steven should be worried about you.

(beat)

So, where was I?

118 OMITTED (NOW PART OF SCENE 109AB)

119 OMITTED

120 OMITTED

121 OMITTED

122 EXT. DIRT ROAD - NIGHT

Steven drives his car up the muddy dirt road. It gets stuck in the mud. He gets out of the car, and begins walking to the satellite dish which is surrounded by a chain link fence. He hears the sounds of horse hooves coming closer, and closer. The he sees a headless man on a horse ride straight toward the fence. The horse has the coat of arms from Medieval Times. When he reaches it he smashes off the chain with a sword, then rides through. The horse rears back on its hind legs.

The horse runs full speed directly at Steven. At the last possible moment the horse jumps over Steven. When the horse stops, the Cable Guy pops his head through the top of his coat.

CABLE GUY

(chuckles)

Ichabod Crane! The Disney Channel showed

it all last month.

The Cable Guy rides toward him again.

CABLE GUY

(like the Vegas announcer)

Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmbbble!!!!

(Revision Ends - Blue)

This time when he gets near Steven, he leaps off the horse, onto him. They both slam into a puddle of mud. The Cable Guy punches him in the stomach, and then the face.

STEVEN

Where's Robin?!

CABLE GUY

This isn't about Robin, this is about you

and me.

Steven charges directly at the Cable Guy.

STEVEN

Where's Robin?!!!

Steven tackles him to the ground, and begins hitting him. They are both covered in mud like warriors from the rain forest. Steven grabs a large rock and holds it over his head.

STEVEN

Tell me!

CABLE GUY

(nonchalantly)

I'm sorry, I didn't catch the question?

Steven brings down the rock. At the last moment the Cable Guy moves his head. The rock slams into the ground.

CABLE GUY

Steven you've changed.

(beat - then impressed)

I like it.

The Cable Guy convulses his body, pushing Steven off him.

They wrestle on the ground. The Cable Guy gets on top of Steven, then pulls a power drill out of his belt and turns it on.

CABLE GUY

I think it's time to make you cable ready.

He slowly brings the drill down to Steven. Steven blindly reaches behind him. He grasps a large branch and bats the Cable Guy off him.

The Cable Guy grabs a large tree brance and runs towards Steven. They begin fighting in a fashion which mirrors their Medieval Times swordfight.

CABLE GUY

Last time we fought I let you win! Best

two out of three!

MUSIC UP: Ominous version of the 'Star Trek' battle music.

CABLE GUY

(crazed)

You treat me like the TV! You use me, but

you can't live without me!

The Cable Guy smashes Steven in the knee with his branch.

CABLE GUY

You can't shut me off with your remote

control!!!! I'm not like Robin and Rick

and Mommy and Daddy and brother and

sister and cousin --

Steven smashes him in the head with the branch.

STEVEN

I got the point.

The Cable Guy goes down. He appears to be unconscious.

ROBIN

(in the distance)

Steven.

He looks to the dish, but cannot see her.

123 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - MOMENTS LATER

Steven climbs over the edge into the dish. Below him he sees that the bottom of the dish is filled with several feet of rain water.

Three wires go from the points on the edge of the dish, and meet at a point at the center of the satellite, thirty feet above the floor of the dish. ROBIN is hanging by her bound hands from the center of where those wires meet.

Steven climbs down towrd the bottom of the dish.

ROBIN

Help me Steven!

In the background we see the blurry image of the Cable Guy climbing through an entry hatch at the top of the dish. Robin's eyes fill with terror.

ROBIN

Steven! Look out!

CABLE GUY

(mimics her)

Yeah Steven. Look out!

The Cable Guy leaps out of the hatch like a jack-in-the-box. He slides down the dish, knocking Steven down. The two tumble down the slope of the dish, and tumble all the way down into the water.

CABLE GUY

(sweetly, like a girl)

I've missed you.

The Cable Guy immediately punches Steven, sending him back into the water. The Cable Guy dives on top of him. A moment later the Cable Guy pulls Steven up, then grabs his collar and speaks right into his face.

CABLE GUY

(dramatically)

"Dry land is not a myth, I've seen it."

Kevin Costner from Waterworld. I don't

know what the fuss was about, the movie

ruled, I saw it six times.

He pulls Steven under the water, and tries to hold him there. He pulls him up after a few moments.

CABLE GUY

Isn't it weird that we'vve wound up in

this position?

He pushes him under the water again. After a moment he pulls him back up. Steven gasps for air.

CABLE GUY

Who would have thunk it?

Enraged, Steven punches him in the mouth with such tremendous force that it appears to have knocked his jaw out of alignment.

CABLE GUY

(without any lisp)

You're gonna have to do better than that

Steven.

(realizing his lisp is gone)

Steven. Hey, my lisp is gone.

Steven hits him again, this time on the other side of the face.

CABLE GUY

(lisping again)

You stupid son of a bitch.

The Cable Guy falls unconscious.

ROBIN

Steven!

Steven runs to her.

124 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER

He runs to the side of the dish. He realizes he must climb up to release her. He climbs onto the WIRE and begins tightrope walking toward her. He walks very slowly, almost losing his balance several times.

STEVEN

Hang on.

CLOSE ON: The opposite wire. The Cable Guy's muddy hands slam onto it. He pulls himself up.

CABLE GUY

(laughs maniacally)

I know what your saying. Who does this

guy think he is, Jason?

STEVEN

Stay away from her!

Suddenly, the Cable Guy does a front flip, and lands perfectly on the wire.

CABLE GUY

I saw that in Trapeze, starring Tony

Curtis. He was just on "Life-styles of

the Rich and Famous." He still looks

terrific.

Steven is about ten feet from the dangling Robin, but the reverberation from the Cable Guy's landing makes Steven lose his balance. He falls over, but catches ont the wire. He is left hanging there.

The Cable Guy sees this, and begins to run incredibly fast toward Robin.

CABLE GUY

And the race is on.

He does a cartwheel on the strut, hops on one leg, then takes off toward her, running at full speed.

Steven, left with no other option, simply bounces up and down on the wire. Robin sees this and joins him.

The Cable Guy begins to lose his balance.

CABLE GUY

(knows he's about to fall)

This is such an anti-climactic way to end

this.

The Cable Guy loses his balance and falls to the water below. The Cable Guy has surely met his demise.

125 EXT. SATELLITTE DISH - LATER

Steven and Robin are sitting in the dish, a few feet from where the water begins. They are exhausted from their ordeal. They hold each other close.

ROBIN

I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I love

you.

STEVEN

I love you too. You're right. We

shouldn't get married. I've got a lot of

problems to work out which have

absolutely nothing to do with you.

ROBIN

We'll work them out together.

They kiss. Suddenly the Cable Guy pops up from underwater. He looks frightening. Then he starts coughing uncontrollably. He looks like a small boy who has swallowed too much water.

CABLE GUY

(between coughs)

What just happened? Where am I?

(remembers)

Oh yeah, I was trying to kill you.

He leaps at Steven, and puts him in a head-lock. He squeezes until Steven passes out. The he lays him on the ground.

CABLE GUY

(to Robin)

It's a sleeper hold. Hulk Hogan used it

on Sly Stallone in "Rocky Three." He

should wake up in thirty seconds, so

let's get going.

He holds her around the neck, and puts a staple gun to her head, then walks her out of the dish.

Steven slowly wakes up. He looks and sees the Cable Guy and Robin beginning to climb up the rdio antenna. He quickly gets up to follow them.

126 EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT

The Cable Guy and Robin climb the antenna. Steven follows them up from a distance.

The Cable Guy and Robin reach a platform at the top of the antenna. The Cable Guy holds Robin with one hand, and holds a staple gun to her temple with the other hand. Steven climbs onto the platform.

STEVEN

Easy.

He walks with Robin to the edge of the platform. There is a one-hundred foot drop to the dish below. A police helicopter hovers in the air around them.

CABLE GUY

It didn't have to be this way Steven. I'm

just trying to show you the kind of

things that can happen when you mistreat

people.

STEVEN

Don't do anything stupid.

CABLE GUY

You know this is just like that secen in

that Clint Eastwood movie "Dirty Harry" --

STEVEN

(snaps)

No! This is not like anything! This is

not a movie! We're real people! You're

hurting us! This is reality!

The Cable Guy's eyes turn sad. This hits the Cable Guy like a sucker punch. Dazed, he lets go of Robin. She runs to Steven's arms.

From below we hear the sound of sirens. A pack of police cars pull up and surround the antenna. The Cable Guy's expression changes. He begins to look like a scared little boy.

CABLE GUY

If this is reality...

(he climbs onto the guard railing)

...I am outta here.

The Cable Guy slowly falls backward off the antenna.

STEVEN

Nooo!

Steven lunges for the Cable Guy, grabbing his forearm, then grabbing the antenna with the other hand.

STEVEN

You're not going anywhere.

The Cable Guy hangs high above the satellite dish. Steven tries to pull the Cable Guy back onto the platform, but the Cable Guy does not want to be saved.

STEVEN

Don't do this. You just need help. We all

get lonely.

CABLE GUY

Yeah, but I get really lonely.

(beat)

I mean, look at me.

STEVEN

You're gonna be fine. Just come on up.

CABLE GUY

(a long beat)

Steven, I think I sat too close to the

television. Mommy was right.

Steven can't hold onto his forearm any longer. The Cable Guy's arm slips and Steven grabs onto his hand at the last possible second.

CABLE GUY

It's too late for me, but there's a lot

of little Cable Boys out there who still

have a chance. Say good-bye to the baby-

sitter.

(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)

The Cable Guy stops holding onto Steven's hand. He begins falling toward the dish below.

126A EXT. ANTENNA - NIGHT

LONG WIDE SHOT of the entire antenna.

The Cable Guy falls backward toward the satellite.

127 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - NIGHT

A nuclear family is watching court TV.

On the TV - A REPORTER speaks to the camera from the courthouse.

REPORTER

This is the moment America has been

waiting for. We've just been told the

jury is ready to render their decision.

128 EXT. ANTENNA - CINTINUOUS

The Cable Guy sails through the air. As he falls he looks almost peaceful. Totally comfortable with what he is doing.

128AA INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

A COUCH POTATO sits on a fold out bed, his eyes glued on the television.

ON THE TV - The COURT CLERK is about to read the jury's decision.

COURT CLERK

By unanimous vote the defendant Sam

Sweet...

128AB EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON - The Cable Guy plummeting toward the dish, about to hit.

128AC INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS

The camera flies through the crowd at the same speed as the Cable Guy straight into a close up of the television.

COURT CLERK

...has been found --

We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

We hear a loud thud. The screen turns to white noise.

128A EXT. TOP OF THE ANTENNA - CONTINUOUS

Steven and Robin gasp.

128B EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

From below we see the Cable Guy's silhouette motionless on the struts of the satellite dish.

128C EXT. THE CITY - CONTINUOUS

A wide panorama of the city. All of the color televisions which can be seen through the many windows of apartments and houses turn to white noise.

128D INT. NEIGHBORHOOD BAR - CONTINUOUS

The television shows white noise. Everyone screams at the TV.

129 OMITTED

130 OMITTED

131 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy appears dead. The needle of the antenna sticks through his mid-section. A red light blinks at the tip of the needle. Then, the Cable Guy's eyes open.

CABLE GUY

Damn, that hurt like a mother. What the

hell was I thinking?

(looks at the needle)

Oh man, that stings.

Steven and Robin look relieved.

CABLE GUY

A little help here!

132 OMITTED

133 OMITTED

134 INT. COUCH POTATO APARTMENT - NIGHT

A pasty white couch potato stares at the white noise, not sure what to do. He turns and picks up a book. As music crescendos he begins to read.

135 EXT. SATELLITE DISH - LATER

The Cable Guy is being taken away on a stretcher toward an emergency helicopter. Steven and Robin are covered in police blankets. Steven calls to a paramedic.

STEVEN

Is he going to be all right?

PARAMEDIC

I don't know. It's in God's hands.

The paramedics put the Cable Guy on the helicopter. The helicopter flies away.

P.O.V. SHOT - From the helicopter looking down on Steven and Robin holding each other, getting smaller and smaller until they disappear.

136 INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS

The Cable Guy lies in a stretcher next to the paramedic. He is barely conscious, struggling for survival.

PARAMEDIC

Hang in there buddy. Stay with me. Just

stay with me.

The Cable Guy's eyes slowly open. He motions for the paramedic to come closer.

CABLE GUY

Am I really your buddy?

137 EXT. SKY - DAWN

The helicopter flies away.

THE END